I Want My Own Blog!

Free and easy

2012-02-19T00:07:00.000Z

There is some comfort in feeling alone, yet not quite lonely; being in love, but not with each other. The mutual acknowledgement of some other's presence, but without the need to spend unnecessary effort talking. All it seems to take is just a quick wave of the hand.

And unlike in most other social situations where one is required to make a prior commitment by arranging schedules, this one is almost free-and-easy. No need to agree on a place, date and time. No unnecessary pining that go along the lines of 'when will I see you again' and all that.

How wonderful.

One of those days

2012-02-13T23:28:00.000Z

Ten minutes before I head out the door, so I'll attempt to make it as quick as I possibly can. Today is one of those days where I can't decide what to wear, or how to do up my hair. I don't seem to possess any flair, but not that I care - much anyway.

It seems a tad disturbing to have some ask what the occasion was each time I donned a new outfit, because it appears as though some seem to pay more attention to me when they ought to be checking up on their own offspring. My silence probably meant that I refused to partake in the conversation which they have having, and not, my agreeing to the point that they were making. It doesn't (and probably shouldn't) matter if there was someone out there whom I like, because it is not much of their business.

But for the record, no, there isn't. I don't think that I have learnt to be sufficiently selfless to like a member of the opposite gender. And even if there someone whom I really really liked in the world, I figured that I wouldn't really care if I got a bunch of roses, a flimsy card, or a pair of worn socks.

Walking maniac

2012-02-12T01:19:00.004Z

I've learnt to never take certain things for granted. When everything is going smoothly, one should take some time to thank the people, greater forces and good fortune involved. Having things work out isn't a a given, and what might possibly go wrong could all go wrong thereafter.

Guess I've not been one to go for subtlety. Most entrances I make have to end up being obvious (not in a very good manner), where I might end up banging into doors, stepping on some's possession or sometimes, even slipping and falling flat on my face. Embarrassing really, because falling over is something which individuals with gangly legs is likely to do - not someone like me with stumps for legs.

I collect bruises like how some other collect boyfriends. I cuss and swear like a sailor, sometimes in the presence of more than a handful of individuals who then question my sanity. Perhaps its time to learn to be more refined (like what some women expect of me), and become less of the person I am.

But that would totally defeat the point, wouldn't it? I shouldn't exist based on others' expectations of who I should be.

Superficial beings

2012-01-31T11:54:00.001Z

I've never been much of a narcissist (even though most narcissistic individuals would probably be unaware of their excessive love of themselves), but I have found myself squinting at my reflection in the mirror on more than a couple of occasions of late. Most minute details usually go unnoticed to my untrained and occasionally crossed eyes, except for the fact that my eyelids seem to have sagged a little of late. Perhaps due to the lack of sleep in recent weeks, or a sign that youth is no longer on my side and I am not gravity defying (unlike what I would like to think), my eyes appear a little smaller these days.

It is indeed depressing to see the appearance of fine lines around my eyes. I wouldn't care if they appeared on any other part of my face, except my eyes. Often analogized as the windows to a person's soul, I can't help but wonder if someone has drawn the curtains to mine? How good it would be if they were roller shades, which I could draw up.

I've never felt comfortable of my looks because I do not look attractive in any way, but there have been a few individuals who (probably out of sympathy) commented that I had nice peepers. One cannot help but wonder, if the level of one's confidence is dependent on the extent of perceived attractiveness. While it can often be argued that perception does not amount to reality, and how it is often highly subjective - I suppose that it is hard to deny that having people think positively of your appearance does add a little spring to your steps.

As for having saggy eyelids, well, I suppose, makes the world appear a little duller because of the reduced amount of light entering those 'windows'. At the risk of sounding superficial and lacking in intellect (which I probably also never possessed much of to begin with), I suppose that looks do matter a lot to the individual, if not more than that to others. Maybe this is why the cosmetic industry is worth billions to begin with.

Someday I might be comfortable in my own skin, but I cannot help but wonder, if that would be the day I see the coffin. Then, that would be too late, for I would have lived a life which ought to have been lived much more purposefully as compared to being overly concerned about what others think of how I look.

New year

2012-01-23T16:36:00.000Z

Today marked the beginning of the lunar new year, and I'm supposed to have lived two zodiac circles this year. This is supposed to be year of the Dragon. Dragons are well, mythical creatures which resemble reptiles and my fondest (and probably earliest) memory of them was from a children's book. Gordon the Dragon was its name, if my sketchy memory proves to be correct. It was friendly, kind and gorgeous looking - but then again, that is children's book for you.

A busy day of visiting is now over, and it is indeed good to see the people who love me. The company today proved to be truly enjoyable (save for a few individuals who probed too much, but I shan't be too bothered by them). It is indeed heart-warming to see my godparents looking intently through my graduation pictures, because they were just like regular photographs to me until I saw those emotions. I am indeed chuffed to have people feel proud of me, given the usual state of mess I am unbeknownst to most.

So perhaps, it is now for me to get cozy in bed with a decent read. May the year of the Dragon be a fruitful one for all, where loved ones are blessed with good health and everyone is happy.

I am also truly grateful to the kind folks at the Internet service provider and router company for providing me with much needed technical support during the festive season. It feels fabulous to be connected to the rest of the world again - from my bedroom. So to all those working out there, I thank you (on behalf of everyone else whom you have helped).

Getting back

2012-01-14T15:20:00.001Z

Missing my love, I hope to get it back soon. The mind is willing, but I think that each and every muscle (or what is left of it anyway) is protesting. The feeling is not at all foreign, and it is periods like these which leave me really frustrated. I suppose that I will get over it, just like how it has been for the past few years - grit my teeth a little, bear with some extent of discomfort, and hope that it will all get better soon. I just seem to take too much of the enjoyable, easy times for granted and never fail to fully appreciate them.

That said, this is just a rough temporary phase. I will get better, eventually. All I need is to find a replacement because the mileage of the existing is all just a reminder that I seem to have done too much, too soon. The troubling bit is, not all of it might have been rational.

Perhaps its time to sleep, hope and pray, and wake up to a better day. Nothing makes me feel better than seeing my love first thing in the morning, if I can even manage to open my weary eyes these days. That, and how I need to strengthen my neck muscles because they seem insignificant but are proving to be such a torture.

I need my sanity and past-time back, soon (eventually).

Feelings

2012-01-08T06:37:00.000Z

I sit here, listening to a few old songs, trying to summarize feelings (albeit all a futile attempt) in words before I head out the door.

Emotions are states of feelings, which hardly remain stable. My feelings towards objects are transient, just because I liked you one day doesn't mean that I'll still like you the next. Harsh words, they probably hurt a little - or maybe they don't, because I don't even feature in your world.

I was just a little person who happened to be there, and you needed me to help you then. Perhaps by now my purpose has been exhausted, or if it hasn't, it ought to be - soon.

It doesn't matter. Maybe that's all I'm supposed to do.

Side note: It is on days like these that I really miss school, and being able to survive. After all, all I had to do was read a few texts, string concepts and write essays. At least I knew that I was reasonably competent at that, and my efforts would be rewarded.

The year in retrospect

2012-01-01T02:51:00.001Z

It is the start of a new year, and perhaps, of new beginnings as the optimists usually proclaim. I am never one for resolutions (because they waste time, cognitive resources and drain energy). Last year, in reflection, was a little crazy. Given that I am not very forward-looking, I shall try to pen my thoughts in a retrospective manner.

It was the year when I bid goodbye to the safe cocoon which I've known pretty much most of my life (the one which I hated when I was younger, but only loved it a little too late in life). That was when I was allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. On hindsight, perhaps I should have tried a few more things then.

I also managed to get a little bit further (though not faster). The speed had pretty much tapered off after most of the speed training ceased in the middle of the year. I've never been someone who participates in team sport but managed to feel a little of how it would be like to have mates who trained together, and of course, I loved having people trying to help me stretch my aching muscles whenever they went into spasms. That was perhaps, the time I learned to be a little more trusting.

Bumped into a random stranger somewhere and I've being seeing the individual at various locations on multiple occasions. Still don't know the name (and neither do I intend to), but coincidence does indeed sound like a lovely little thing.

Developed a few more blisters and realised that I do not mind them all that much. Each and every blister adds character to a pair of otherwise delicate-looking feet, which would look, well, as though they have failed to serve their main purpose in life. No doubt it annoys the hell out of my beloved parents, which insist that they pretty much leave sane individuals grossed out. (So maybe, the next time anyone else ever attempts to chat me up, I should just remove my footwear and let them look at the blisters. Whoever doesn't mind them probably (i) has more of them, (ii) lost sanity, or (iii) is able to look beyond the superficiality.)

So perhaps, that pretty much sums up the year for those who are interested. Apart from those, most things haven't changed. I am glad to assure those near and dear that yours truly is still the rude, annoying, occasionally spoilt and attention-seeking tomboy. No, I am still not capable of loving anyone else other than myself. And most definitely, am I not looking to look after anyone else than myself. (So please kindly refrain from trying to match make me with friends, acquaintances or even life-long enemies even though I know that it is tempting to want to make their lives hell.)

Things aren't always what they seem

2011-12-27T11:59:00.003Z

Ten blisters and counting. That's the number of blisters on each foot (and not, the total count on both feet). It feels oddly pleasant to prick them with a needle, because every blister indicates a certain distance I must have walked. Non-members of the club will never seem to understand, for blisters are just well, local swelling of a certain part of the skin (and that is just plain gross).

Yours truly must now possess the most disgusting and disfigured feet on earth (provided that they even look like feet to begin with). This is probably the reason why I avoid buying footwear in the presence of some boys. Funny how some remarked that I 'looked very familiar', because I sure hope that no one ever mentioned 'blister girl'. These are individuals who are much too young to have to deal with real-world stuff, like blisters. Perhaps all they have are (sometimes) false impressions of said activity, where every ride is well-cushioned, smooth and enjoyable - as proclaimed in certain messages.

Maybe this also pretty much summarizes who I am, I appear pretty much well put together but if one were to peer a little closely, he/she will be able to see the awkwardness of my gait. Probe a little deeper into my thoughts and I am bound to stammer.

Feeling gloomy

2011-12-22T13:50:00.003Z

It is Christmas, and I am not feeling the least bit jolly. Walked around campus today, conversing (or rather, more like rambling) to D over the phone about final year thesis draft formats and it felt like a lifetime ago when I was slaving through the night trying to jot down my thoughts, link theoretical concepts and made them read reasonably logical. That must have been, sadly, one of the most fulfilling days of my life. (How pathetic it must be when one counts trying to put together a reasonably decent literature review within 3 days one of the 'achievements' in life.)

My favourite hang out felt empty and lifeless, what with the lack of second-hand smoke. Perhaps, people are never satisfied with what they have in life (or what they are faced with during each and every day in their lives) and I cannot wait for term to commence. Where on term days, I once found myself complaining about the abundance of second-hand smoke, these days, all I do is think to myself how good it would be to be able to even have a little whiff of smoke because then I'll know, that at least I have some company.

Perhaps I shall just load up on my other indulgence, those printed matter for the weekend for C.S. Lewis once aptly mentioned that 'we read to know we are not alone'. One of my other former hang out places is also shutting its doors come next year, but I can hardly complain. At least this means that nerds won't be able to try to chat me up ever again (and I won't have to think of diplomatic lines to get away). On hindsight, perhaps they were just also looking for company and meant no harm. After all, if one isn't able to chat up a girl successfully, surely you could try with a tomboy, couldn't you?

Side note: The lack of adequate sunlight is probably making me overly depressed and feeling gloomy (much like the economic situation, even though I do not like keeping up with financial news). Instead of being the grinch who stole Christmas, perhaps, I shall just try to be nice and hide under the covers.

Remaining Rational despite the Irrationality

2011-12-20T04:53:00.000Z

Pretty things should remain just that, pretty things. Nice to look at, maybe hold in your hands for a while - but one must remember never to fall in love with. While its attractiveness might last longer than one's expectations, people should remain rational and not forget, the potential 'catch' behind all that.

In life, maybe there are seldom things that are too good. If something appears too good, they are probably too good to be true. Like gorgeous Monarch butterflies flapping their wings, complementing the shades of flowers in the colourful spring - you know that they wouldn't stay for long.

There are many lines which I wanted to say, but I don't intend to. It isn't that I lack the cognitive ability (but perhaps it is just over-inflation of my own abilities here) to make wise-arse responses to some lines, but that could possibly move me into the danger zone. I am not that humble a person to refuse compliments, or merely use silence to diffuse the situation, but perhaps I still possess some semblance of rationality amidst my other irrational acts.

Maybe you're just like a dry ice bomb - dangerously fun. I would like to be able to hold it for a lot longer, even if it means that I'll never have fun.

Old Places, New Faces

2011-12-16T17:48:00.003Z

Visited the place which I used to frequent (probably) for the last time today and it felt strangely, emotionless. There remains traces of the old which I am well familiar with, I will remember the areas which my feet have traversed. The demographics appear to have changed a little though, as the crowd appears to have become increasingly younger.

Climbing those steps left me slightly out of breath, and I am well-reminded of the fact that time has flown by. Come next year, the place will be torn down and replaced by something new. Maybe no one will remember how it used to look like in future, maybe few will appreciate the former place - and maybe, I might even like the replacement. Perhaps in time to come, it will feel almost like an old friend (despite looking different).

Reading too much into things

2011-12-10T09:16:00.003Z

I've always been a voracious reader - one who devours books from cover to cover, and (hopefully) each and every line. Missing punctuations leave me unsettled, and erroneous punctuations irk me greatly. While I may not have been blessed with an eye for detail, or a talent for writing well, I've had the misfortune to be born with an anal-retentive streak.

Not one who takes in sentences based on what they seem, I have been known to analyze (and re-analyze) what they could possibly imply. Implications branch out from one's imagination, and like what its definition implies that they are 'conclusions that can be drawn out from something', it doesn't take a genius to come out with what each sentence could possibly mean. All it requires is some effort and a whole load of free time. In fact, I've been known to read between the lines of lines (in other words, drawing implications from implications). While this may appear complicated, I can assure you that it isn't. The concept is similar to that of probability trees, where one attempts to derive possible outcomes of the initial outcomes.

Calculations and precision have never been my forte. I do not know the actual probability (right down to decimals) of the likelihood of each potential outcome, but I can easily list out all possible outcomes. What this leaves is a whole load of unanswered questions swimming in one's mind - questions of likely questions, derived originally from questions.

Pardon me if this seems complicated, but it is due to this inability that I've pretty much flunked statistics to begin with.

Friday Nights

2011-12-09T11:12:00.003Z

are when

Buskers perform to impress

Lovers in love, or those looking for love don their favourite dress

Hobbyists gather for their weekly session of chess

While I, couldn't care less

Feels like any other day

Except that the markups by certain establishments leave me in dismay

So, cooped up in the house and on my bed I lay

Well kept away from the fray

Left on a high

2011-12-05T08:53:00.003Z

I feel as though I am floating, which must surely be from the drowse inducing drugs. There is this odd sensation of feeling on a high, but I shall attribute that to endorphins. Strung on more than a few syrups, pills and goodness knows what else - I would like to think that no, my body is much stronger and can usually withstand more than this physical stress. I probably caught a cold after sitting in an overly air-conditioned place, and not, because I am not used to such torture.

So, naysayers and armchair athletes should probably refrain from making unnecessary comments because even though my feet might be feeling a little sore, my arms are still very strong and ever ready to swing out at you.

Perhaps this is what happens to women in general as they get overly protective when someone criticizes their boyfriends/ husbands. Just that in my case, I just get totally fed up when someone criticizes the only love that I know of.

Love, I'll see you soon (hopefully in 5 hours)

2011-12-02T13:52:00.004Z

The brain does funny things, especially when it comes to be deprived of strange chemicals associated with pleasure. Adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine (when mixed together) make one end up doing funny embarrassing things without much realization when one is in the initial phase of love. If ever one thought that those were bad, I suppose, he or she should wait till later phases when endorphins come into the picture.

Endorphins help reduce the sensation of pain, which is why they are often identified as 'natural' painkillers. I've long since become dependent on it, and the feeling is just simply terrible without it. Perhaps its time to try to occupy my time (or most of it anyway) trying to watch DVDs, read books and eat a lot in order to distract myself for the next few days.

I'm sure I'll be able to survive. (I think.)

Finding my love once more

2011-11-24T13:21:00.003Z

Looking at the sunrise with a stranger felt strangely comforting. Perhaps, when the night is cold and there is no one around, everyone longs for company. I'll never be able (and neither do I intend) to know the stranger who took in the sight of the beautiful skyline at daybreak with me.

I truly appreciate and love every session with a different individual, because each one of them feels like a journey in itself. Everyone has different threshold, stamina and pace - but somehow, synchronization doesn't seem to take much effort.

Chanced upon some familiar tunes by a local singer whose name slipped my mind for quite sometime, only to recall a similar name today. Feels good to acquaint myself with its (somewhat) familiar melody, and three years seems like a lifetime ago. I have always wondered where a part of me has gone, the part which vanished along with my youth.

Still, I am happy to be able to find acoustic music and will definitely on the look out for suitable acoustic music to add to my play list for next week. How many tracks exactly will I need, now that requires some serious pondering.

Gutted

2011-11-23T01:19:00.003Z

Feeling positively gutted due to the lack of motivation and discipline. It is almost a wonder how yours truly managed to sleep through two alarms. I must remember that despite all these, I should keep calm, remain poised (or as much as my tomboyish self can possibly do so) and determined.

No matter what it takes, love, I'll see you soon. Maybe not at daybreak - but maybe when night falls. It is time to get it back, psyche myself up and forget about the distractions. That, and also that I must not lose my temper along the way, hit people unnecessarily and of course, show them the finger because all that requires unnecessary effort.

It is all in the mind, and probably, as far as my body will take me.

Final song

2011-11-22T03:22:00.003Z

Listening to 'last mile of the way' seems apt, especially given that this song is sung by the boys (or men) whom I have loved for more than a decade. I've spent my youth (assuming that I was even young once) being a passive fan, appreciating the tunes which have kept me company in the lonely hours of the night when I was unable to sleep.

The past few days have been depressing, but I'll soon get over it. All the distractions of late have kept me from putting in diligent training. But I'm sure that I'll have a lot more motivation to move my clunky feet now. Perhaps one just assumed that I dislike smokers, which is hardly true. Maybe I didn't, but it doesn't matter now.

This song marks the closure. It is now time to move on (to new music). Hopefully, on to non-boy band music.

Awkward

2011-11-18T11:17:00.002Z

For those few seconds, I thought that I saw something register at the back of some one's mind, or perhaps not. Funny how my retarded self reacts when faced with sadness and my legs simply take off. With disheveled hair and crossed eyebrows, I must have been a (terrible) sight to look at. Embarrassing really, acting like a child in an environment where I ought to appear grown up.

Perhaps appearing like a grown up is merely a false front that I put up, because somehow, a certain part of me simply stopped growing up a long time ago. Feels strange really, because I am probably not a kid anymore but neither am I a grown-up grown up. Underneath the aging exterior of wrinkles, crow's feet, enlarged pores, aching bones and popping joints - maybe I'm still that horribly spoil brat who used to get almost everything she wanted from Toys R Us. If ever one's height happens to be correlated with one's level of maturity, that would very likely explain why I'm this short.

The Moon

2011-11-04T14:57:00.004Z

There is something beautifully romantic about the moon. Its mysteriousness (and the fact that it doesn't seem very useful apart from being the Earth's natural satellite) just seems to make it even more alluring. I've always liked to believe that regardless of how far apart individuals are, physical distance (no matter how far) can be bridged by the mere knowledge that they are looking at the same moon.

Perhaps before the advent of telecommunication or post, people assured their loved ones that no matter how far apart, much they missed each other - all they had to do was gaze at the sky and feel its subtle glow. But it is sadly, somewhat like real love - never overbearing and sometimes forgotten.

Foolish mistake

2011-10-26T14:44:00.005Z

Ran and stared into the eyes of danger, literally more than a couple of dozen of wolves. I guess one doesn't think straight when it is freezing and the sweat-soaked shirt on one's back is cutting into flesh, chafing and causing pain with every step.

Perhaps that next move wasn't the best (or wisest) as I soon found myself with lots of unwanted attention and flash blinding my eyes. Somehow, I hope to remain unseen and kind of miss the days when no one knew (or recognised) me.

Guess its time to wiser, engage minions to bring fresh change of clothes (or simply live with the discomfort) and forget about forsaking one's safety for comfort. Still extremely upset about the double standards involved when it comes to a certain activity. Not trying to be rude, ungrateful and uncivilised but I think that it is high time someone looked at policies pertaining to the behaviour of some.

Fickle, that's how life is

2011-10-23T16:10:00.004Z

It doesn't matter how much an individual has lived, maturity he/ she has gained or the amount of suffering endured - because I suppose, everyone does not ever truly grow up when it comes to issues revolving around their parents. I've witnessed 30 year olds act like childish toddlers in front of their mums, whining and jumping in the air (despite complaining of aching knees).

It feels odd to hear about the passing of some whom seemed extremely sprightly just a few months ago. I guess that is how life is, extremely fragile and like the weather, fickle. I feel for the old lady's son and daughters who seemed to love her with every bit of their lives. Their tears and sorrows, I'll never truly be able to fully understand no matter how much I try.

My heart goes out to them. And to the old lady, thank you for being such a good conversation partner.

Feeling like a schoolgirl once more

2011-10-16T02:38:00.003Z

It is always nice to witness a smile and some encouragement from strangers, especially when one is feeling (almost) winded and about to toss in the towel. Keeping count is a mind-numbing affair, staring at the same spot in virtual darkness is even worse, save for a handful of pleasant distractions once in a while.

It also feels as though I am going through a second puberty, as cute boys/ guys with dimpled grins never used to make me grin like an idiot (unlike how they do these days). It feels strange, and I cannot help but wonder if this less than intellectual activity can be attributed to the fact that I no longer think, read as much as I used to.

Not that I am complaining (much), anyway.

The Weekend

2011-10-09T15:36:00.003Z

This weekend has been extremely fulfilling, where I finally managed to consume huge bowls of rice one after another. The grains, plump and succulent; piping hot and aromatic when accompanied by soy sauce were probably what I loved. Coupled with thick slices of sweet and tender pork marbled with fat - I really couldn't ask for more.

There is nothing better than eating rice and pork on a weekend, especially after a few missed trips where the store was either closed, I lost my way or something simply had to crop on just when I was about to head to intended venue. Perhaps this is why they say that some 'will travel for good food', which makes the consumption experience all the more satisfying especially after all that traveling.

It is also indeed eye-opening, and more apparent that we are living in a cosmopolitan city where there is a mixture of cultures. A Japanese man spoke fluent Mandarin, a Chinese man spoke fluent Singlish, while I, a Singaporean merely spoke Gibberish. But somehow, it was weird but we could understand each other perfectly fine, and this is probably the beauty of languages as they evolve each day following interactions between people.

Every (seemingly) little thing matters

2011-10-05T01:58:00.003Z

It is often easy for us to dismiss seemingly trivial matters, objects and people as we spend our days trying to make it all better. Often focused on improving times, I have in the past, committed the mistake of merely focusing on improve efficiency and neglecting conditioning. Out of sight, out of mind is pretty apt - as we are unable to see the muscles that lurk beneath the adipose tissue, and often forget to strengthen them.

Similarly, a tour around some place yesterday made me appreciate some people even more. It is often easy to file a complain, voice out dissatisfaction or displeasure when an item of choice takes a longer while to reach its stated destination, but we sometimes forget that many processes and people are involved to make it all happen.

Perhaps, we don't need to speak all that much, but just a smile would do wonders. It felt lovely for those few seconds as I smiled at the lady situated nearest to where I was standing, and she returned mine with a sincere one where the eyes were wrinkled and cheeks were uplifted. Maybe, just maybe, she understood that someone understands (and truly appreciates) what she has been doing over the years. Hopefully I would have made her day, just like how she has made mine over the years.

Subtle plots, never-ending storylines

2011-09-28T14:23:00.004Z

There is something so sad, yet beautiful about the way some scripts are written where every single nuance is subtly portrayed, relying on expressions of actors instead of computer graphics. The audience sits, in front of the google box, enraptured by the beauty of shots while at the same time, silently weeping for the characters deep inside.

I love how the characters remain honest and true to themselves, even in the toughest of times when poverty looms. The retrenched, despite feeling hungry and almost desperate, remains upright and runs for miles to the nearest lost and found box. The talented, all the while modest and determined, practices on an almost tacky version of an instrument which he loves.

Somehow, I know how hard it is to be able to remain true to one's values (and passion) because of multiple external conditions. It makes it all the more important to constant remind oneself of what he/she stands for, and perhaps, this is why I love certain films (even though they never truly have an ending and I am a stickler for endings.)

Awkward

2011-09-24T15:25:00.004Z

Sometimes the purest of intentions could result in embarrassing mishaps, as I found myself caught in an truly mortifying situation of having addressed some young person (admittedly not in the pinkest of health) as 'uncle'. While the term was initially used to address a relative, either the brother of an individual's mother or father, its usage has become increasingly lax over time to include (i) someone whom we are close to and older, (ii) a family friend who is again, much older.

It was with much lack of tact and alertness on my part that I addressed a young man (who is probably just a few years older than I) as 'uncle'. Even though I thought to apologise, the seemingly 'rational' part of me merely decided to smile and pretend that nothing awkward ever took place.

Deep in my heart, I long to apologise - but I doubt that that would make it all better. So all I did in the end was resort to standing there and making desperate eye contact. I am highly doubtful that eye contact can speak of one's remorse.

So if words could ever cut, I am sure that mine would have left a deeper scar than those on his stomach.

Dreamers

2011-09-18T02:09:00.004Z

It takes the occasional stroke of luck and probability of chance to come across a good read, nice song or memorable few lines of poetry. Being the perpetual dreamer that I am, I've always loved taking a random in the park, listening to my favourite tunes, enjoying the cool breeze in my hair and feeling inspired.

Sadly, that rarely happens in real life. All I get (sometimes), is a strong of wind which leaves sand specks in my eyes, the scorching sunlight leaving me all sweaty, a jolt back to reality and no inspiration whatsoever. But, that doesn't keep me from dreaming... because somehow, I think that the world needs just a few more dreamers to make it a better place.

Remembering Food

2011-09-10T23:20:00.003Z

I am glad that (some) good things last, especially when it comes to wonderful food. The thin spring roll skin, sweet-tasting turnip and carrot combination, coupled with crispy flour bits still taste the same even after so many years. Even though the hawker centre will soon be demolished and the hawker has moved, I am glad that the business remains.

There is nothing sadder than the notion of losing a part of culture (though I must admit that a large part of mine seems to be related to food) as old buildings get torn down, stall owners close their businesses and the tradition associated with the various dishes become lost.

Even though my stomach is now (and has been uncomfortably) bloated for a few hours now due to indigestion, I am still smiling as those pleasant memories come flooding back. I may be forgetful, but by writing this down, I hope that I will still be able to remember how wonderful it once tasted even after my memory has turned foggy.

And on another note, I am also glad that someone bought me a little piglet mooncake before tomorrow's Mooncake Festival. The last time I received a piglet must have been more than half a decade ago, when my grandmother was still alive (and she was the one who used to buy them for me every year). Maybe, just maybe, this year will be a little more special because things always seem to be alright as long as I have a little piglet in the basket.

Weekend

2011-09-03T21:56:00.002Z

Listening to old songs, sipping on hot chocolate and munching on crumbly cookies - life is good. Its the weekend to most working individuals, but feels like every other day to me. Well-rested, not thinking as much, I can hardly remember how I spent the last few months.

Probably the last 'vacation' break that I will ever have because no one gets younger as time progresses (unlike Benjamin Button), I should have, on hindsight, spent my days thinking just a little bit more. After all, I vaguely remember being somewhat inspired and trying to string together random words many years ago. Just where exactly did that part of me vanish off to, sometimes I wonder.

Perhaps, I will find that inspiration again one day.

Over

2011-08-29T15:46:00.003Z

Day 17 has finally come and I look forward to purposeful days spent trying to get back to doing the things that I love. All the standing around has provided me with several insights, like consumer behaviour, profiling and other random things that I try to analyze in a bid to make time pass by quickly. I have stared at greed in the eyes of the greedy (and how persistent they are), held the hands of little kids when they lose their way in the supermarket, smiled non-stop for 5 hours (when I usually pretend to sulk in real life) and lifted several cartons when no retail guardian angels are in sight.

Thank goodness for charming customers and passers-by who may not buy anything (but at least treat me like a sane being), helpful retail guardian angels and cute little kids who wave each time they visit. But somehow, this little experience might have left me feeling just a little confident of actually being able to handle a job, dealing with little children and yet still remain calm.

Maybe, just maybe.

Worn Out

2011-08-18T16:19:00.003Z

The body is beginning to show signs of wear and tear as multiple bruises appear on my arms, legs and back each night. All sense of euphoria (arising from self-perceived job satisfaction) has deserted me after having to put up with less friendly, more demanding and greedy individuals who simply refuse to quit.

Having to stand for long hours, lift goods and remain pleasant is tough, but I am trying to get used to it. Perhaps everyone should get a job like this once in their lives so that they will be more appreciative towards low-level employees and/or gain a more accurate perspective of happenings in the retail world.

This experience has allowed me to learn to be grateful for all the seemingly minor efforts that people do to make my job just that little bit easier, where passersby acknowledge my presence with just a trace of smile, nod or short conversation. I also appreciate the efforts of retail boys and supervisors who speak to (instead of insulting) me and other staff who make it an effort to walk by and smile. Just a week and a half more of this, and hopefully, I'll be able to embark on leisurely pursuits - that is, if I have not been run down by a supermarket trolley.

Gone

2011-08-07T15:14:00.002Z

Just received a call about the demise of someone, and I suppose it was only a matter of time. The last couple of months has prepared everyone for this moment, even though the reality of the whole matter will only sink in tomorrow. A thousand what-ifs running through our heads, but I suppose it doesn't matter now. At least we've managed to have a few meals together, chatted on a few occasions and witnessed the gradual deterioration of the shell in which the soul is contained.

I do not know what to say, and all I can do is to hold someone whom I love close. Perhaps at times like these, actions speak louder than words.

Of Passing Time, Time Passing and Everything Else in Between

2011-07-28T16:47:00.003Z

I am officially graduating in 2 days' time. Putting this down in words does not seem to make it any more real. I refuse to believe in the fact that coming August, I will no longer be required to travel to school anymore. (I still have nightmares every few days about having failed an exam or test, even though I have never failed any in real life except for Art.) Neither do I believe in the fact that my face, formerly unlined, is now no longer as smooth as I would have liked it to be. I see faint laugh lines (even though there is nothing cheerful about them), crows' feet (I am not a fan of 'Counting Crows') and sun spots (due to my failure to apply sunscreen).

But somehow, I know that I will have to (eventually) accept reality. No more having my head buried in the sand like an ostrich even though that is my favourite choice of meat in consumption terms. I have come to realise that major events in my life usually take place in July, just a week or two before my birthday. Perhaps it is someone above's way of helping me deal with things.

I am getting a year older next week and am touched that my Dad has applied for leave so that the entire family can go out and have a good time. It is on days like these where I go all soppy and become even more irritating than my usual irritating self. If I am able to have anything in the world, all that I ask for is that to be able to hold the people whom I hold near and dear for a long, long time to come. Fame or fortune do not excite me for I am an unmotivated old woman living in the body of an unmotivated not-that-old-yet tomboy.

I am also aware that someone dear would have passed away for 4 years come next week, even though the passage of time has not made me miss her any less. I hope that a dear relative of mine will live through the end of year, or at least, until my graduation pictures have been developed. It may not matter much to me, but somehow, I know that it matters a great deal to my Dad for he would like to have a picture to give to his elder brother - because maybe it makes him feel that he has finally grown up. Both of us are cut from the same cloth, weepy sods that we are who seem to have sand in our eyes every so often. I am finding the glare of the screen too harsh for my eyes and shedding tears as I type. This is perhaps why I do not like celebrating birthdays because it highlights the fact that our expiration dates are drawing nearer and nearer.

And to end off on a less depressing note, it seemed really funny for me to have met cute stuttering boy again (even though it wouldn't seem that funny given that he has always been working in the same store, just probably different shifts). It has been months but apparently he still remembers racer girl who is actually more of a limping tomboy with blisters. He definitely thrives in his current front line service job given the excellent memory and nice disposition - just that he seems a little hard of hearing. Then again, maybe I might have also been stuttering in his presence and he could hardly make out the words.

Guess my favourite hobby has people remember me for all the wrong reasons, but somehow, I am still really tempted to try out the route which I have mapped out in my (nearly non-existent) mind. I love piecing bits and pieces of routes together, and maybe, just maybe, I will drag my feet and swollen rear out one of these days.

Now, bed beckons and I shall quit rambling because apparently when the days get boring, the bored (and sleep deprived) start rambling. I also really appreciate the efforts of more than a few who have listened and offered valuable advice on the 'c' word (no, not the expletive).

A little cheer goes a long way

2011-07-22T20:51:00.003Z

There is nothing more attractive and charismatic than talent, dedication and pride in trying to do what one's best at in my opinion. I've always admired individuals who are seemingly shy in real life, yet appear extremely confident when engaged in his/her favourite activity be it singing, running, speaking or some other activity.

I suppose that it is the mindset that matters most, as the ever familiar equation comprising 1% of talent and 99% of hard work goes. Personally, I believe that the proportion varies amongst individuals but one gets the basic idea.

This is probably why I have drawn up a plan for the coming months, and am going to adjust my lifestyle a little. Always one who shuns company, I have always appreciated being the lone sole amidst the darkness but I guess, one gets lonely with age. Jog-walking around the track in the evenings among senior citizens, army boys, fit ladies and soccer boys has probably spoilt me a little.

Guess I'll adapt to being alone again, and try to listen to my own breathing. I'll just admire the skyline at the break of dawn and try to smile a knowing smile at passers-by, people who seem to appreciate the solitude of jog-walking alone but occasionally long for the presence of others along the long stretch of road. I think that my heart leaped a little today as I crossed path with someone whose face I couldn't really make out, but cheered for me. Maybe when the routine gets tiring, all we need is a little support from others.

19 weeks of hell

2011-07-18T11:27:00.003Z

It is highly embarrassing to mention that despite have proclaimed that some event is (i) too commercialized for my liking, (ii) likely to attract the wrong crowd, and (iii) going to be congested, I have signed myself up to be tortured both mentally and physically. I remember all too clearly only verbally mentioning hours before that I will not attend the event, but someone from my former institution of study gave me to call to inform me that there are now more vacancies available at highly attractive rates.

And so, here it goes, I will be representing some institution in 19 weeks' time on a journey to hell. Welcome to the world of black toenails, blisters that never heal and popping knees all over again. I shall try to be diligent in the strengthening of seemingly useless body parts (because they might serve more purpose than what I would have thought), and hopefully, whatever I might have learnt over the last 12 weeks might help.

Wished my mum would stop taunting me about having spoken too soon already. Hopefully, it will be better this time round - but don't people say that all the time?

Catching Up

2011-07-14T14:35:00.004Z

The past few weeks have been relaxing and exciting for someone who usually likes to have schedules laid out way beforehand. Waking up every morning and then deciding the places the visit based on where the trains take me, eating loads of food and feeling the familiarity of it all once again feels good. I have been busy (lazy) for the past few years, opting to patronize the same few outlets over and over in order to save on having to expend my limited cognitive resources to make choices.

It feels good to get in touch with less patronized outlets again, and a part of me is relieved to see that they have not given way to new development. How long this will last, I do not know. It is sad to see that residents in some aging estates have moved out, the coffee shops closed down - all to make way for future upper-class housing on prime state land. I regret not having made the effort to keep myself updated on news, just so that I could have a roll (or two) of those lovely spring rolls again. Food just tastes better when it has been prepared by a hawker who has toiled away for many years, trying to make a living out of (insert food item here) in order to feed the family. I appreciate their sincerity and earnestness in making patrons feel good about eating their food, and admire the pride they take in making sure that the stall looks reasonably presentable.

Weakening of the Will

2011-06-26T05:05:00.002Z

I've always been kind of strong mentally. What I lack for in physical strength, I make up for in terms of mental strength (or maybe not). But somehow, I've managed to keep the counts constant and seldom lose track. Lately, I am beginning to experience the weakening of will as I find my thoughts drifting a little, breathing becoming a little more uneven and knees buckling.

Reading the testimonies of a few runners have made me realise that the hobby is not exactly a test of physical strength, technique or even endurance (unless you're talking about ultra-marathoners) - but rather, it is more of a test of one's spirit. It is about the willingness to make the occasional sacrifice in order to keep to a disciplined routine.

Perhaps the extended break is not as conducive for my mind as I would have liked, because I used to think through things while attempting to keep count. There are few things on my mind these days, except for what to have for the next meal (or two). This is the reason why the mental muscles (like physical ones) need to be stretched just that little bit every so often, if not they begin to waste away just like mine.

The Eyes Don't Lie

2011-06-14T08:32:00.003Z

The past few weeks have got me thinking that perhaps, it is not the number of days lived that matters but rather, how meaningful each day is lived. Pardon me for being cruel, unfeeling and distant, but I feel that maybe it might be better to be brought to a different place sooner when one is terminally ill. It pains to see muscles deteriorate, breathing become increasingly treacherous and tempers flare (both for the patient and carer) as the bugs invade the organs.

The look on the old man's face left me at a severe loss for words and reaction. Even though he was a stranger, I wished, on hindsight, that I had smiled at him if it would have made him feel a lot less lonely. Living in a home must be depressing when you have few friends and only a wall for company. Interacting with bedside mates is near impossible given how he/she is probably sicker and frailer than you. Facial appearances gradually change as muscles sag, but somehow, expressions through windows of the soul do not. In his eyes, I saw loneliness, almost a need for strangers to smile. But then, the only thing that held me back was the fear that I would have expressed sympathy if I did.

I believe that no one needs feelings of sympathy, they merely need feelings of concern and friendliness. Somehow, I cannot and must not lie with my eyes and simply chose to turn away in guilt. It often appears easy to lie through alteration of a few words with the mouth, faking gestures with one's hands and/or making a false turn (often witnessed in team sports), but somehow, if you were to look carefully into an individual's eyes, you can pretty much see the truth.

Closure (for now)

2011-06-08T17:11:00.004Z

After weeks of sleepless nights spent worrying, there is relief at last. Still, I am not sure if my eyes are playing tricks on me or whether I'm already beginning to hallucinate. I am grateful for the closure of a (temporary) chapter of my life, because no one really stops learning - they merely stop having to learn as an occupation.

Moving forward, I am uncertain of plans and even more uncertain about my ability to perform real-world jobs. I have always been a pessimistic child, and growing up has been no different. I've always had the tendency to make external attributions and feel fortunate to have things working out (relatively fine) for me. After a brief flirtation with danger, thankfully, things are looking okay.

Listening to Bon Jovi's 'You Had Me from Hello' and I am loving the lyrics. Maybe, I'll try to find my love back before work begins. One needs to strike a balance (and occasionally, compromise) between professional and leisure activities because otherwise, we lose the ability to feel overtime. I am currently reading the translated works of Liu Kang and cannot help agreeing with his borrowed quotation from Richard Hofstadter that 'an intellectual lives for the pursuit of a perspective' and someone (no matter how educated but) who merely goes along with the crowd is nothing but a 'living bookshelf'. Given the deterioration in command of written Chinese of some today (myself included), it is wonderful that some have taken the effort to translate the essays of people who have helped shaped the local art and cultural scene into English so that their reach will be wider and helps ensure that future generations will still be able to appreciate such literary gems in time to come.

Don't dare to take the plunge

2011-06-08T12:51:00.002Z

We're all counting down the hours, minutes and seconds. Anticipation appears to be building, where we're all waiting. I seem to be one of the exception, because unlike them, I am not sure what I am waiting for anymore. I've thought through several options (some of which I am really keen to try), but have not had the courage to do so.

It is with the best of intentions that we all set out to achieve a set of objectives that includes (hopefully) helping to make the lives of others more enjoyable (or in some other cases, simply to minimize the extent of annoyance which we inflict upon others). I have come across a few educators who have made my learning much more enjoyable and that has inspired me to do the same.

But somehow, I know that the ones whom I hold near and dear might have a point - how do I inspire and impart knowledge when I'm still wet behind the ears? As much as I would love to show care and concern, provide advice, I am pretty much still a spoilt brat myself. (Side note: I do not know how true the last statement is.)

Maybe I shall just take some time out to think, instead of wasting valuable resources of others.

Of saying 'no'

2011-06-04T21:30:00.007Z

The past week's break has been productive for my mind and soul, and the much-needed (which is, admittedly, highly subjective) rest has enabled me to think clearly. As someone who has been running away from responsibilities, awful rejections and reality, I suppose that perhaps, it is time to face up to the awful truth. Sometimes, it takes more than just language proficiency to understand, as a substantial bulk of communication is conveyed through tone of voice and body actions. Coupled with cultural differences, it is hardly surprising that a substantial portion of messages never get conveyed in the manner which the recipient intended it to.

Personally, I've always been hesitant to make use of the word 'no' and have always opted for the (hopefully) more subtle and less offensive 'it is okay'. Little do I know that 'it is okay' means to the other party that it signals a green light to continue with his/her pitch while I am squirming uncomfortably in my seat. Now, I guess that I have learnt to put across rejections in a (hopefully) diplomatic and tactful manner to individuals peddling credit cards, bank loans and policies which I have neither have the intention nor ability to take up. All that is left for me to do now is to respond to other people's responses of 'no'. Maybe it will not be that bad. We shall see how it goes.

(Maybe) Time Heals

2011-05-23T11:31:00.004Z

I've been pathetically off-form of late and decided to drag my mum to my favourite place in a bid to increase the motivation and prolong the perseverance. Well, that proved to be highly embarrassing as I was heaving, panting and whining less than 5 minutes into the jog/walk/limp. It was also slightly scary after losing sensation in the bottom half of my body, and at times when the right knee threatened to give way (read: repeat of injury a few years ago).

And with that, I've been banished from the tracks for a few weeks. Perhaps this might be better as no amount of ice and painkillers seem to have helped of late. Hopefully, a little bit goes a long way. Or in this case, a little bit of rest will help contribute to greater mileage for a long while to come. The stats and mileage will no doubt be affected, and I am no longer sure if this year's target can be achieved - but I'm not going to let myself be too bothered about that for now. I'll try to work conscientiously to bring it back up if time allows, together with the muscle mass.

In the meantime, maybe I'll have a bit of free time on my hands to do other things, visit places and eat foods which I love.

Waiting

2011-05-17T12:38:00.002Z

I've finished my last and only paper of the semester sometime last week, and am now waiting for the release of results. Thinking through career options, hearing different perspectives from many but I think that I've got my mind set on a certain occupation (for now). It is in hope that I will be able to make the lives of others slightly better, or at least make learning a little more tolerable. Remuneration does not matter all that much to me, and all I'm looking for is just something that will allow me to support my parents. I have no idea how all this will eventually pan out, but I suppose that time will tell.

---------------------------

Also, on a totally unrelated note, I've only recently got around to rubbing out the old injuries. The scar tissues have spread all the way from the shoulder blades, down to the back and onto the thighs. Trying to rub them out is extremely painful, and all I'm doing is waiting for them to heal and the swelling to go down. Executing turns is pretty much beyond me now, as the ligaments along the right pelvic bone is all bruised and swollen.

Guess its just sitting around and waiting for the wounds to heal.

Que Sera, Sera

2011-05-12T13:31:00.000Z

Looking out from the window on what was (hopefully) my last bus ride from school, many thoughts ran though my mind. It is funny how quickly 3 years have passed and I have become a lot older, but none the wiser. Time flies when one does not have time to sit down and ponder over seemingly minute (but nonetheless, meaningful) things. I do not think that I have learnt a lot during the last 3 years, and neither have I become a 'better person'.

The bus was filled with graduating students and their incessant chatter, no doubt chatting about the latest job prospects, grades and places to visit. Speaking at the top of their voices, the volume reflected the optimism that they possessed, blazing with hopes, dreams and aspirations (for they are the future of the nation). Somehow, I've noticed that I unconsciously inserted 'they' inserted of 'we', for I, lost in my thoughts was silent throughout the journey.

It feels sad that I might have become of one of those caught in the paper chase, for lack of better things to do in life. I guess, the problems lies with me (and not the set of qualifications that I possess). For want of seemingly more purposeful things to do (and avoid having to look for a real job), I went on to school. Now that school is almost over and done with, I find myself faced with the same situation where I wonder what the future has in store for me.

Goodbye, My Friend

2011-05-04T19:32:00.005Z

Last week, my little furry friend passed away. I was inconsolable upon hearing the news from my mum. He was young (in hamster years), extremely lovable and smart. Despite having looked after him for only about a week, I loved him deeply. It was nice to have him peer out from the fish tank each time I walked by, and gnaw softly at my fingers without ever leaving a mark. Our eating and sleeping habits were similar, as I would have expected rodents to be nocturnal creatures. It was amazing considering that he wasn't even my pet, just a guest in our home.

His name sounded like a typo of some Japanese automobile company (which I attribute to his owner's youth and inability to spell properly), he loved nibbling on rabbit food and making random noises from the random corner of the tank each time I walked by. And from the moment he looked as though he waved his little paw outside the gates when my Dad sent him home, I knew I'd miss him terribly when he's gone...just not in such a permanent manner.

He was that adorable. No other can top that, except for the little puppy that my neighbour kept for a while (but that was because she tried

to kiss me and my heart melted there and then). This is when lyrics of the ever-familiar song by Linda Ronstadt 'Goodbye, My Friend' makes me shed tears all over again.

Afterthoughts

2011-04-28T15:06:00.003Z

If prices of tickets for shows, matches or performances in general were justified by the level of excitement they generate in the viewer, I certainly got my money's worth tonight. Never before has my heart sank lower, as the side that I was rooting for fell behind in scores. The bettors, fickle as they were, started screaming in disgust as they watched their bets reduced to naught. It is slightly incredulous how a noob like me could feel slightly indignant for the team at times, as they had insults hurled right at them. (This is nothing new, considering that it was been covered pretty extensively in exploratory studies on football viewing behaviour where people who cannot participate in the game watch it to derive vicarious experience.)

At times, my hands were covering my face in despair at times, but then again, I guess I didn't deserve to comment seeing how I only very recently rammed a ball right into the metal grid in front of more than a dozen folks when it should have gone straight. As the opposing team sank in the final goal of the night (and pretty much the final nail in the coffin), the poor little boy who sat in front of me wept. I felt sorry for him, and his father, for they must have invested a significant amount of (emotional, time and monetary) resources to watch the game. Perhaps, this will be memorable to them in years to come, as the boy remembers posing happily at the stadium where his dreams took place prior to the start of the game, only to return home feeling truly gutted.

Feeling miserable

2011-04-17T22:44:00.006Z

For the record, I didn't manage to hit the target time. Fell short of more than half a minute, which is pathetic but then again, that's around the timing which I manage during training. I screwed up a few other components as well, which I ought to have reasonably performed but my mind just went blank. All these, on hindsight, just sound like lame excuses.

I'm still trying to perform stretches on a frequent basis just so that I can bend to tie my laces without falling over or tearing a muscle. Still, funny how I woke up this morning just because I had twisted some random muscle/ vein in the neck and had to walk around the house looking like my favourite stuffed dinosaur - the one with a broken neck.

I blame it on the rain and cool weather, where my joints just end up getting stuck and random muscles just feel as though they are all tied in knots. Feels terrible, but at least, I have food for comfort. I am averaging 6 meals a day, and perhaps, when all else fails, I might consider taking up a new sport - competitive eating. I'll just have to mind that swollen jaw of mine.

Seriously?!

2011-04-10T02:46:00.004Z

Guess there's no point going kicking walls, cussing and swearing under my breath, feeling impatient and absolutely frustrated. Analyzing today's stats and they were absolutely pathetic - not that I needed an electronic tracking device to tell me that anyway. Figured that out within 5 minutes when I was furrowing my brows, hoping that no one would stand in my way and that I would have to swerve. It has only been less than 2 months and stamina has gone to the dogs. My frustration could probably be felt through all the lanes (and back home).

Just 4 more days of this short distance nonsense and its back to the usual routine, even though I'll probably lose my flexibility. No more spending time sitting around stretching and doing crappy attempts to warm the muscles. Pathetic and I guess everyone in the household probably knows that I looked like a fool. Time to work at being more even-tempered, less impatient, feeling frustrated and less like such a wuss. Perhaps its back to odd timings where there are fewer souls around.

Still, if I do not hit Thursday's target during the test - I'll be absolutely gutted. I may go around pretending as though it doesn't really matter, but somehow, deep down, it will matter a lot. Guess its more than just 3 measly points to me, I do not really care about points or marks. Blame it on my absolutely irritating ego.

Somehow, some old man managed to read me like a book. Knew that underneath all the crappy foolish boyish pretense, I will be absolutely gutted with defeat. Urgh.

Random rants

2011-04-08T16:41:00.006Z

It is amazing how the amount of rant is inversely proportionate to the amount of sleep one gets. All I can do now is to pray that I do not end up cussing and swearing like a sailor, kicking walls and glaring at people next week.

Next week will possibly be the busiest of the entire semester, as I try to balance out schedules. To a certain extent, I am grateful that the track will be filled with track and field events - which means that I have valid reasons to reduce the frequency of training. All I need to do now is to maximize the quality of the few sessions, and pray for the best. A lot of it has to do with concentration, focus and mindset. Almost got distracted while trying to lift weights a few days earlier, and perhaps, the mind just wasn't strong enough. Still, I was very glad to have cleared the rest of the tests with significant improvement. The instructor and classmates were glad, but I am not sure if they would appreciate the amount of pain and endurance that I had put myself through each night. Just 6 more days, and I can reduce the load.

No more hogging up the lane and irritating fellow users because of my lack of speed. No more doing weird turns and I can go back to doing what I love to do best. It has been extremely embarrassing as I heave and gasp for air, especially in the presence of less physically challenged individuals. To the neighbours who have been getting (slightly) on my nerves by exclaiming how mindless my life seems because of the amount of physical training that I do instead of doing homework like their kids, I do not know what to say. Thank you for your kind concern about how I should spend more time studying. But just because I appear slightly faster than the average couch potato does not mean that I have nothing better to do with my time.

Tough times ahead

2011-03-29T16:36:00.005Z

These days, even a quick glance at impending schedule for upcoming weeks increases my heart beat rate per minute. Deadlines for major projects which I have not started in 2 weeks, coupled with the need to draw up training plans, perform actual training that translate into measurable results. I've always (kind of) believed that an individual performs trade-offs between mental and physical performance, and that's not even including the lack of ample recovery into the equation. It appears as though I will have to aim to optimize both, if not all three factors.

Apart from completing reports and training plans, I will need to incorporate some form of training into my days. (Performance have been dismal of late, as the old injuries have surfaced. Bruises form with every stretch of the various injured areas, and all I am hoping for is to grit my teeth through it all and bear with it for 2 more weeks.) It appears as though most of my muscles have wasted, because running only utilizes a few muscle groups. For the areas where the muscles have not wasted away, I spot signs of repetitive strain injury where my shoulders are occasionally popping. How I will be able to lift weights is beyond me.

Diligence doesn't necessary pay off, as I have come to realise. Well-meaning classmates and instructor encourage me to attempt to stretch more, but I seem to experience tearing of random muscles with each stretch. I find myself getting weaker, experiencing more bruises instead of seeing improvements. Perhaps I am just not cut out for this, and it is pathetic to think that I can comfortably cover greater distance than most in class but is unable to lift the lightest of weights. With multiple deadlines and things to do almost sending my adrenaline level to a new high, it seemed logical for me to turn down making a 2 hour journey (to and fro school) simply to participate in a 1 minute rehearsal.

After all, I feel that I am able to present without stuttering or fainting in front of an audience (but this is merely my own inflated self-evaluation, and I could really be a terrible speaker for all I know) and should be fine so long as I have taken the effort to practice in my own free-time. I have always believed that it is each and every individual's responsibility to ensure that their speech is perfect before turning up for class.

On hindsight, this move might have appeared callous as I ought to have thought about the concerns of others - where relationships have only recently been forged and optimal level of trust has yet to be attained, I could be the kid who mispronounces every single word as far as they are concerned. For all I know, I might have just come across as a selfish, irresponsible and unmotivated individual.

Amazing how I am writing this as I am half-way through my final semester in school.

Don't try to read my mind

2011-03-17T06:44:00.005Z

I've been known to hold the cards close to my chest, and others wouldn't be able to know my deepest secrets. Many have tried to read my mind, to no avail. Even if you thought that you probed hard enough and managed to get an answer sufficient to satisfy your curiousity, that might not have been the real answer. Truth is, I have no idea what the real (or right) answer is. I am fickle, my thoughts are never fixated on one topic and my emotions never truly remain constant.

I never feel truly comfortable with people trying to get too close to me (be it physically or emotionally). My muscles tense up the moment someone asks me on topics that revolve around who I am, instead of what I think. I lose my footing the moment someone tries to stand too close to me and I can feel their body heat.

In typical conversational settings, I can easily and will readily share my thoughts on topics that might seem too boring for reasonably sane minds, and can go on and on for hours. Yet, I stutter and stammer when someone tries to ask me about my preferences, hobbies and personality. No, you will never truly get answers to questions that veer along the lines of my orientation, the types of individuals whom I have liked, whether I have ever really liked anyone or what I think of the guy standing across the room.

*This is probably why I generally get along better with guys, before they never seem to care about anything else apart from the cute-looking girl who has just walked by. This suits me fine because I've never been one to share too much information anyway.

Of Sadness and (Possible) Ignorance

2011-03-14T07:02:00.003Z

The past week has been pretty depressing, with the unfortunate occurrence of natural disasters in another part of the world. I've taken to avoiding watching and reading news coverage in the media. This might make me appear ignorant and apathetic, but I cannot bear to know about the pain and suffering of others because somehow, I feel a certain pain in my heart when I see innocent people trying to fend for their lives. My heart goes out to the lives lost, as well as others who have lost loved ones.

If there is any hint of positivity from this at all, I would suppose that it is the strength, determination and compassion of the victims. The orderliness of evacuation (based on what is covered in the media) is definitely a lesson that can be learnt by us all. And of course, hearing about how a disabled individual tried saving the life of his aged mother makes one truly understand what caring for loved ones means, over and above simply being filial.

This makes me want to hold my loved ones even closer to me, and learn to be thankful for what (little) I have. Hopefully, others in various parts of the world will understand and appreciate through this the humanity of mankind and stop fighting for overt displays of power. The sacrificing of precious resources and innocent lives merely to achieve one's objectives seems almost trivial, irrelevant and meaningless.

Of gifts...and what they mean (between the lines), perhaps

2011-03-04T17:02:00.003Z

It has been a while since I have had the time to read for leisure, and I find myself appreciating the collection of short stories in 'The Japanese Wife'. Each of the stories, delicately written - they make for perfect reading material on a cold and lazy evening. Somehow, I wish that each of them will go on longer for the nosy parker that I am long to get to know more about the characters and what eventually happened to them. Instead, all I get is dead air, silence and a stream of ponders about potential plot developments (and there are twelve short stories).

Still, I am impressed with the general quality of writing and I must admit that I have never really gone out to find out about Indian authors. Perhaps, this gift might fulfill its objectives in more ways that I would have originally thought...apart from helping to promote the country as a rising economic power, but also, the fact that there are in fact, pretty talented authors whose writing deserve to be more widely read by others from various parts of the world.

Lovely weekend

2011-02-26T15:58:00.004Z

One of my favourite songs is playing on the radio again, as I write. The weekend night is proving to be a relaxing one, as I sip my favourite warm beverage and read for leisure. Inspiring reads are hard to come by, and I appreciate the few that make the activity truly enjoyable.

I have been craving for ramen from one of my favourite Japanese noodle places for a few days now, and perhaps I shall patronise the spot next week. There is nothing better than to tuck in a piping bowl of spicy noodles on a rainy day, and it has been raining very often in the evenings of late.

The shoulder and back have been aching, especially during rainy weather. Injuries are terrible because they never really heal properly, even though it has been more than a couple of years since random falls. A good session is one where the pain is less prominently felt, and does not hinder movement - much. I have taken to sticking plasters all over the nodules and bruises, but they just seem to be temporary measures. I have been putting in too few miles of late, and most of which are junk ones to begin with.

Perhaps I should take up suggestions to try alternative healing methods, even though those pretty much scare me more than most other things. In 7 weeks, I will need to turn properly and run in different directions. This feels like making my body learn to move all over again. I shall aim to do that, and as some of have said that it is all in the mind. Perhaps, mind over body does work, just that in my case, it appears to be a case of a weak mind over an even weaker body.

New Year

2011-02-15T21:53:00.003Z

Life has been extremely hectic and slightly stressful at times (with the unfortunate occurrence of a unforeseen events). Most have been resolved, and I am grateful to kind individuals who have extended advice. Funny how the net works, where people who might not know each other are willing to offer assistance. Perhaps it is the principle of paying it forward, where if I received help from someone today, I would be willing to help someone else in turn.

The lunar new year has come and is almost ending as we speak. This year has seen less yu-sheng tossing, perhaps because of the hassle which some deem. A part of me feels a little sad, occasionally wondering if we are losing a little bit of the tradition associated with yu-sheng tossing. I am glad to have visited more than a few old friends of the family, but am extremely saddened by the realization that some (very dear) individuals seem to be deteriorating in health condition gradually.

Somehow, I cannot help but hope that if only a little bit of my blessings worked, then maybe the world will be a much happier place. I do not ask for much, except that these old dears remain healthy.

Feeling not very festive at all

2011-01-30T10:42:00.004Z

These days, I sit at home and stuff my face merrily with pineapple tarts, barbecued meat and prawn crackers. The torrential rain seems to have put on a gloomy feel to the moods of most, and I suppose that festive food brings on a slightly joyous feel. My muscles are sore and aching like no tomorrow, even though I have not exerted them in days. I blame the cold air for bringing me so much pain, and I'm beginning to wonder if I do in fact suffer from rheumatism.

The start of school means that the (not-so-enjoyable) readings are back, and leisure reads will soon be out of the question. I am still reading those books excessively, but have vowed to restrain myself from checking out any more of them. Having been deprived of a few nights' worth of decent sleep, I am feeling cranky, foul and more touchy than ever. This means that I am deciphering every single word, punctuation and hidden meaning of words more precisely than ever before. Feels just how the the tiniest twitch of muscle is sending spasms of pain down the spine.

But then again, nothing seems to hurt more than seemingly innocent hints of unwarranted accusations.

Of loss aversion

2011-01-17T11:59:00.002Z

Finders keepers, losers weepers, or so the saying goes. Perhaps I've become too complacent about general security of belongings, and left them lying around in an overly irresponsible manner. Guess I shall treat this as a lesson learnt, and feel glad that at least it wasn't a pair of expensive shades that I lost.

Still, I still cannot help feeling all angry and potty-mouthed. Cusses aplenty under my breath as I think not of the lesson learnt and how I might have indirectly avoided losing more expensive items in future because of the experience but more about today's loss. It has been more than a couple of hours, and I am still rambling (much to the chagrin of my mother).

Perhaps I deserve it after borrowing items from people, but then again, I bought an entire new piece of said item with the intention of returning it. Still wondering if I should just get another one, return it and gain a calm peace of mind or just forget it altogether.

(* Side note: Advice so far have been to get a replacement piece, and return it. Perhaps it might be worthwhile in the longer term, as I will be able to sleep better at night and have less wrinkles on face. So much for rationalization.)

Gratitude

2011-01-13T14:26:00.005Z

I am thankful for remaining in the thoughts of others, and am glad to receive calls from some. It feels good to hear from familiar folks again, even though I am unable to recall names despite the best of efforts. Somehow, I know that if I were to try hard enough, I'll be able to remember (but 2 years feels like a life-time for someone who is unable to remember events from a week before.) I shall make time to drop by for a quick visit soon.

Also, I am glad to have company as I was desperately trying to cover much-needed mileage for the day. I am quite sure that the sweet lady agreed to my request on pacing with her out of sheer kindness and sympathy, for I sure looked pathetic with battered arm and back. (I am pretty certain that I am not the best pacing companion in the world, but still, thanks nevertheless.) Much thanks to kind dude who didn't have the heart to turn down my request for analgesic, even though the ingrate failed to return it personally and merely left it on the bench in fear of interruption.

I suppose, that I could learn from these people random lessons on becoming a better person. Someone who makes a sincere effort to remember people, and is willing to help even generally annoying folks (like me) when they are in pathetic form.

Side note: Perhaps its high time that I make the effort to remember faces, names and people in general even though my memory is failing because nothing is impossible. I'll just have to keep finding a way to halt the memory loss. Manners.

Random middle of the night musings

2011-01-05T20:19:00.004Z

A good movie touches one forever. Like a good book, its every scene remains in memory for more than a while, even to the most forgetful. This is because of the permanent imprint on the audience's heart, somewhere seemingly more important than the mind. Watching Departures in the middle of the night, with no one but my favourite stuffed dog for company, the movie left me weeping gently.

A good movie is hard to come by, amidst the tons of movies that are released every year merely to meet box office demands. Computer graphics, numerous stunts and even the most realistic-looking animation effects cannot compare to heartwarming, but simple messages that the scriptwriter was trying to convey. (I have yet to come across someone who shares similar preference for low-budget movies at this point in time.)

Of departures, and the departed all because of a simple spelling mistake - their implicit meanings differ. But at the end of the day, I suppose that they are similar because life is like a journey. Departures simply mean sending one loved ones on to another journey, in another world while the bereaved learn to cope with the loss and live life a little differently.

I am not a competitive person, but somehow, it is with great difficulty that I handle each and every loss. It has been more than 3 years since the old lady has left, but every movie and every book that I read along similar themes remind me of her. Most pleasurable dining experiences bring back recollections of how we used to dine together. Such company and ties are only ever encountered by chance, a wonderful and magical little thing. I have never met someone who I miss as much, and never had I managed to forge similar affection with my own grandmothers.

I believe a lot in fate and luck, and believe that these two words are perfectly good words. This is where I differ from most 'business' students, who shun these words like the plague and take offence in the slightest mention of them. I live life on the belief that fate will bring me to where I am destined to be, and with a little bit of luck, life will be slightly more wonderful. I do not know how successful I will eventually be, and I do not exactly crave for success. All I long for is the ability to continue to live in the company of people whom I love most and be loved in return.

Many believe that a successful person is someone who takes charge of his/her own destiny, and one can only succeed with a plan in mind. Every plan, in order to achieve its goals, needs to possess measurable attributes which some believe can only be measured through tangible and quantitative terms. I do not think that I will ever be able to do that, and neither will I have the desire to do just that.

Perhaps my current 'wait-and-see' approach will irk more than a handful of individuals, who think that I am merely a dreamer. But somehow, I continue to believe that life will take me where I am meant to be and I'll just have to go where my feet take me. There is nothing that I want, except for sufficient food and shelter, to keep me and my loved ones warm and breathing for as long as possible.

On hindsight, perhaps this was the reason why my dad strongly opposed to the idea of my keeping the hamster despite his owners' willingness to let me have him. Somehow, I think that he knows that my world will fall apart when the little fur ball stops moving. I have lived a very much protected life, where my dad has always tried to take me away from places and people that will make me cry.

Even when my body is covered with bruises from the constant knocking and hardening of muscles as I run, I know that my dad will try to rub them away even though they never seem to heal properly before I end up injuring myself again. Underneath the tough interior, where I always appear to knock into things and people because of inaccurate turns, I am just a clumsy kid who missed a turn and refuses to apologise for accidentally knocking into people.

I suppose, that somewhere in my heart, the sight of the old man brisk walking again at his former pace made it leap a little. It was also the same kind of joy that made my strides a little lighter, as I know that he is well and fit again. I may not know his name, and neither do I intend to, but I will always remember his early morning greetings to fellow visitors to our favourite hang out. The jog with another individual before I caught a cold felt different, and maybe we'll end up jogging again by chance. Perhaps this is what we all need, someone to keep us company as we go about doing seemingly torturous tasks because misery loves company. Having someone to share in the pain and blisters seem to make it a little more enjoyable.

Of constants (and the not-so-constant)

2011-01-04T13:16:00.003Z

A trip to my former place of learning felt good, and I am kind of relieved that some things remain unchanged despite the seemingly drastic change in facade. I am still able to sprint up the steep slope in record time and reach said destination on time (well, give and take a minute or two), which I am highly certain is attributed from the need to save myself from potential embarrassment rather than my general level of fitness.

Despite my ability to speak excessively and irritate the hell out of others when engaged in multi-party discussions, I am terrible at making small talk. It was awfully nice for more than a handful to initiate any form of conversation with me, even though they would have been much better off talking to good-looking guy/ girl (*delete where applicable).

Guess I shall try to work on being less of a wallflower, as I contemplate on whether to attend a few lunches. People who have mentioned that I appear confident were probably either just trying to be polite, or not present as I trembled in fear behind potted plants. (Operative word here being 'appear', and I dare say that appearances can be highly deceiving.)

Meanwhile, performance along the all-too-familiar path is pathetic as I am coughing like a perpetual smoker and wheezing like a chimney that has been left unattended for more than a decade. Suddenly I long for the presence of boys half my age, in hope that the stress of looking remotely like a living person rather than a windswept log will motivate me to up my intensity and duration. I will even be willing to risk looking like an idiot by promising to smile at people who might have previously smiled at me (and I cannot remember their faces).

Side note: I am still kicking myself for ignoring some sometime last week. But that was really because I could not recall if the face was familiar until some 30 minutes later. I shall try to be as friendly and smiley as possible the next time I see some. (That is, if I even manage to see some and can tell apart. Admittedly some refer to only one.)

This new year, I have decided that looking like an over-friendly idiot is much better than looking like some aloof snob.

2010...in summary

2010-12-30T14:02:00.004Z

I am glad to have:

- got a little faster. (Even though I'm highly certain that there have been technical flaws ruling in my favour.)

- come to know 2 girls from school whom I love, trust and will come to miss. (This ought to speak for quite a bit for I am not a sociable person, but similar backgrounds help.)

- experienced very good customer service from more than few in my quest to find a decent pair of replacement footwear. (The search proved to be emotionally and cognitively draining, and it would have been even more painful if not for kind salespeople.)

- respected a few educators who seem passionate and motivated in helping to shape minds and change lives. (But I am not sure if I will remember the content of their lessons in time to come.)

- found a new activity that both my Dad and I love, which is the consumption of a sport which we both do not play.

- loved and will still continue to love and adore my parents to bits, for they are the ones who keep me going in despondent times. (And despite that fact that I know my random ramblings are not always heard.)

- an ever supportive Dad who believes in me. (Sometimes I hate to tell him that he might be much better off believing in some other person and things in general.)

- read a few beautiful books whose prose is elegant in its most unrefined form, and seem to have been written from the heart of the author.

- lost my ability to remember faces, including those of good-looking and charming folks. (Which is a good thing because I'm sure that I'll have looked more horrendous than before and they might not like me as much, whereas I'll just wallow in self-pity if I remembered them.)

- a swollen jaw, sustained from last year's fall. (It seems to have evened out, making my jaw appear a little more pronounced and less disjointed than before.)

- come across as aloof. (Which some falsely assume to mean cool, but in actual fact, I am just socially retarded.)

By this point in time, it is becoming evident that I am running out of good things to be glad for and am beginning to sound overly optimistic.

So, on another note, I am less glad to have:

- developed a knack for ranting, raving and gossiping. (Which is a fun activity, but highly time-consuming and not exactly intellectual.)

- become more socially retarded than before.

- bought too many things with little thought. (I shall learn to be more thrifty and cut back on wastage.)

- become a mean and aggressive machine.

Of good food and good people

2010-12-25T16:51:00.002Z

Its celebrations galore as we all wind down for the year, where students celebrate the end of examinations, working adults celebrate the end of a working year and retirees celebrate life in general. And I've come to realize that nothing gets people all excited, happy and all rosy-cheeked except for food. Conversations seem to flow better, laughters more hearty, and the general atmosphere more lively when the cutlery comes out.

So this is how my holidays have been and will be spent, as I meet up with people whom I haven't managed to see in a while. It certainly feels good as my face appears rounder and radiant to relatives who never lie and I'm putting on more than a few pounds. Timing has gone seriously off, especially since the rainy season and bad back are keeping me from the action for a while. All of which are giving me more reasons to partake in more gatherings and feasting.

Guess I'll worry about performance when the time comes. (And cut down on the booze then.)

Those were the Days

2010-12-22T03:10:00.002Z

Sitting down with coffee in hand, recollecting random days that seemed free of worry, stress and wariness as compared to now feels good. Back then, any skepticism that one possessed about people around isn't even considered skepticism in the real sense. It is only when one has lived for a longer while that he/she is able to have a real taste of what being skeptical truly means.

Random words uttered were simply taken at face value. Laughter sounded hearty and sincere. These days, one has to analyze each and every spoken (and unspoken) word from various perspectives, and bear up with hollow laughter. True friends and confidants are hard to come by, and when they do, I feel naturally at ease around them. They know most of my secrets and thoughts, and whether it will prove to be a silly move on my part - only time will tell.

But I suppose, one needs friends and the occasional listening ear to remain sane in a world filled with insanity and distrust. I cannot remember having heard sincere laughter in a while, where laughter is heartfelt and people are laughing with one another - instead of laughing at each other.

Of little ponderings

2010-12-17T21:47:00.004Z

I've never felt as relaxed as before, as I sip espresso, watch my favorite DVDs and catch up on missed drama episodes - even though I have yet to finish revision for next week's paper. One can only hope that relaxation can help boost cognitive processing ability. Perhaps, my option to exercise limited rights this time round will prove to be right (but only time will tell). Or perhaps, it will turn out to be awfully wrong but it is perhaps time for me to learn to bear responsibility of my actions.

This week has allowed me to ponder on a few other things, and I find renewed focus in other things. (That said, things aren't going too well with regards to my love at the moment and I hope that it will get better soon.)

And as premature as this may seem, I think that I might have decided upon a resolution for the new year. Perhaps to be a 'better person' would rid other woes, for I think that you can tell a person just by looking at his/her face (as superficial as this may seem). I do not profess to have ever looked attractive, but I think that I might have looked better as a child (or so according to a few individuals). I've come to believe that people become less attractive as they grow old, are exposed to the harsh realities of life and lose the innocence that they were born with. (This feels pretty much akin to the skin's epidermis being exposed to the elements for too long.)

But then again, the definition of 'better person' requires thought. A lot of it.

Of the furry friend

2010-12-11T19:53:00.003Z

4am, and the little furry ball has gone to sleep. It feels weird, and almost stressful to help someone look after their pet while they're away. Perhaps the need (and not forgetting obligation) to care for another life makes one learn to take charge of things, be responsible and grow up a little. Save for the occasional goldfish, I've never really kept pets because I'm one myself. (On hindsight, the goldfish were probably my dad's.)

Previously free to yell when I'm sleepy and the parents are still awake, I've now taken to tip-toeing to the kitchen when I need to grab supper. My heart aches a little each time I see it scratch its ear with those teeny-weeny paws, and a less than attractive fur coat due to inbreeding. (Amazing how I've managed to google this, when I've still got 2 papers to sit for.)

And on another note, it does get a little embarrassing at times to think that a few of the friends whom I grew up with are now mothers with full-fledged parenting responsibilities while I'm still the one who is constantly running to neighbour's 13 year old boy to get him to take a look at the furry friend.

6 more days of crouching on the ground, peering at furry friend. I don't think that its nice to have one's privacy occasionally invaded by peering eyes while trying to get to sleep, grab a few nibbles and sip a few mouthfuls of water.

But I just can't help it.

The call of the mall(s)

2010-12-04T13:01:00.003Z

After having recently read that holiday retail sales (November to December) accounts for approximately 20 to 30 percent of retailers' annual revenue*, I'm hardly surprised. I think that we have all been conditioned by retailers, film producers, script writers and authors that this is the season to share the gift of love by buying presents for friends and loved ones. Even the ones who have more enemies than friends (read: me) can partake in the buying by gifting themselves.

Amidst the gloomy weather, tight deadlines and gradually accumulating stress, I can certainly feel that I'm starting to give in and respond to the call of the malls. My fingers are slowly reaching towards my wallet, and I'm starting to care less about the rationality of my purchase decisions. This is the season where my mailboxes (both physical and virtual) are filled up with catalogues, discount vouchers, membership privileges among others, all filled with attractive graphics to tempt.

I vaguely remember that it was something around this period last year where I was tempted to get a MacBook Air (and duly went out to buy one a month later). This year, I'm tempted to get an espresso machine, even though I am trying to restrict my caffeine intake. It feels weird, because this is definitely not the kind of emotions that people experience during the months of March through June.

This post is depressing, especially coming from a Marketing major. (But then again, perhaps, I have not managed to grasp the concepts of Marketing well.)

Source: Brandweek

New Loves for the Food Lover

2010-12-01T17:07:00.000Z

Compiled_Dec
Originally uploaded by amandaxr

Just last month, Sakae Sushi introduced more than 40 new items in its menu. Being the curious and (occasionally) hungry person that I am, I decided to order a few of these items.

In clockwise direction, the Soft Shell Crab Salad which I've previously samples, Maguro Sushi Splendour, Kutsu Nigiri Sushi and Sunshine Maki.

As an individual who loves the crunchiness of soft shell crab, I was more than delighted with the generous portion of crab in the salad. The greens made this dish much lighter than expected, and tastes so good on its own even without the dressing.

The Maguro Sushi Splendour looked extremely pretty with roe and spring onion as garnishing atop the sushi. It looked too good to be eaten, almost.

Next up, there was the Kutsu Nigiri Sushi comprising crabmeat, roe and lobster salad wrapped in tamago and seaweed. This dish tasted familiar, and is definitely suitable for regular patrons who love familiarity.

Last, the Sunshine Maki which comprised of Ikura Roe, Prawn Tempura wrapped in mango slices. I remember loving the tanginess mango, and definitely made me less full from eating the Prawn Tempura.

Lovely stuff. I'm still highly tempted to try out the Sashimi Salad, which has been repackaged a little.

Side note: This meal was subsidised on Sakae credits.

Of Melancholy and Random Things

2010-11-29T18:19:00.004Z

Guess this is the time of year again, where the slightly bored and/or motivated sit down to plan resolutions for the coming year. I am left with a few presentations and papers, all of which I have yet to prepare for. It feels weird that I am not motivated to study for them, and I blame it on the festive mood.

Life does get a little depressing when you see Gingerbread men at the bakery, adorable teddy bears at the toy store, and pretty much everything else in malls. This is also the time where speakers blast Christmas carols and random love songs, cinemas show romantic comedies and the sleep-deprived feel their hormones go all awry.

I am not sure if its just me, being the old lady that I am - starting to feel a tad lonely. What a pathetic confession to make at this time of night. I blame the flu, excessive medication, stress, and also the gloomy weather for making me feel this way. Or perhaps, its the voices of a few of my favourite people that seem to cast a melancholy tinge over pretty much everything.

Still, I'm glad to have known a couple of people who have made my life much better. It feels as though I've known them for a long time because of the occasional shared background, and it was only after some effortful processing that it dawned on me that I have only known them at the start of this year.

Such weather would be perfect for me to go back to writing poems, but I seem to have lost the knack to put my thoughts into words these days. Perhaps, if I can make any wishes at all, it would be to find my old love once more.

Of recognition

2010-11-25T09:29:00.003Z

I admire educators who are willing to go the extra mile, to inspire instead of merely educating students. Inspiring involves passion, motivation and enthusiasm - on top of expertise. Few find passion in doing the same things over and over, and I have seen some lose the sparkle in their eyes as they progress along semesters.

There are some I know, who really like what they are doing (excluding the dreaded administrative tasks of having to tell off errand students) because they believe in helping to guide and facilitate, instead of awards, recognition or promotion.

Likewise, I would like to believe that not all students are motivated by grades or marks. Much as I might regret ever making this statement at a later point in life, I would like to think that the willingness to learn, see things from a new perspective and offer the occasional feedback does not and should not ever stem from marks (or grades) alone.

It can be apparent from the manner in which some carry themselves, and I find little meaning in that. Life gets mundane when all that matters are marks (and grades), for, what other forms of motivation do you find after you've graduated?

The Beautiful Game

2010-11-11T11:33:00.002Z

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, or so they say. To the passionate, the beautiful game is what they breathe. To the cynical, its beauty is what most hope for it to be achieved, and not its current state. I'm starting to think that its beauty lies in its accessibility.

Accessible to the young and old, regardless of gender (though admittedly, gender proportions tend to be slightly skewed). I am guilty of flaunting my excessive masculinity once in a while. It is awfully embarrassing to admit that I'm still trying to grasp the technicalities, and I'm currently analyzing most of the game from a business person's perspective. (How sad.) I think that its time to start looking at it from a typical individual's perspective, in order to attain higher enjoyment.

What touched me most was the sight of a few seemingly rowdy kids cheering noisily alongside another group of kids experiencing speech disorder. Through the use of verbal signs, they seemed to be enjoying themselves just as much. Near them was another studious looking kid, totting his textbook and being accompanied by his mother. He was almost silent throughout the event, silently enjoying and remembering those random moments.

Amazing, how there is one thing that is able to bring people from various walks of life together. I saw through their eyes hope, each of them perhaps believing and imagining how wonderful it would be if they could be on the field one day.

I hope that this innocence remains, for it would be such a shame for them to realize one day that some things might not seem as nice as they used to think as a child. It would feel akin to realizing that Santa Claus might not exist.

New Additions to Sakae's Menu

2010-11-08T00:05:00.002Z

Fans of local sushi joint Sakae Sushi, rejoice! I was equally excited to hear that there will be new additions being rolled out from 9 November, at all island wide outlets. Just a couple of weeks back, yours truly was privileged to be able to attend the food-tasting session that showcased some of the new offerings. Being able to be one of the first to try out any new Salad offerings is one of the best perks of being a Sakae e-journalist, I suppose.

First up, there was the Soft Shell Crab Salad. Generous portions of crunchy soft shell crab, complemented with avocado and tomato slices on a bed of lettuce and house dressing. This definitely provided a balanced combination of healthy greens and omega 3 while being deemed acceptable by the dining companions who turn their noses at the mere mention of anything that hints of 'rabbit food'.

Soft Shell Crab Salad

Second of the appetizers served was Maguro Capaccio, in other words thinly sliced tuna with special sauce on a bed of shredded onion and cucumber. The use of spring onion and sesame as garnishing definitely upped the presentation appeal of the dish. I was pleasantly surprised by the fragrance of the combination of maguro slices, spring onion and sesame seeds as maguro (or tuna) tends to give off a blander taste as compared to some other types of fish.

Maguro Carpaccio

Next up was mushroom Kimuchi Tofu, a Japanese and Korean inspired fusion. A spicier twist to the usual agedashi tofu, I thought that this tasted rather refreshing. The assortment of mushrooms added a touch of sweetness to round off the dish, which is probably something that I think dining companions who do not take to spicy dishes will come to appreciate.

Kimuchi Tofu

Fourth to be served was the Ebi Arare, prawn tempura coated with rice crackers. The combination of having rice crackers, tempura and mayonnaise explode in the mouth was almost surreal. Although slightly heavy (since this was the fourth dish), I think that this is something that mayonnaise lovers will go crazy over.

I, for one, definitely took to the sweetness of the crunchy prawn bits.

Ebi Arare

Sushi Platter comprising a combination of 7 different types of sushi.

Unagi Cracker Mentai,

Hotate Sushi (scallop),

Sakae Candle,

Salmon Mayo Mentai Inari,

Aburi Salmon Teriyaki (or blowtorched salmon),

Unagi Shiitake Gunkan.

Main attraction of dish being crabstick candle that lit up for a few seconds.

Last to be served was the Sushi Platter, comprising 7 different types of sushi. The highlight was probably the Sakae Candle, an innovative combination of rolled up salmon slices, crab meat, avocado, codfish roe. I am thinking that this will be an alternative to birthday cakes for the birthday boy/ girl, even though it was a pity that the candle went off within seconds.

(break)

This was probably because the 'wick' was actually crab stick in disguise, which I suppose might make the notion of removing the wick with one's chopsticks slightly more palatable.

In clockwise order, starting from the top,

Unagi Cracker Mentai,

Hotate Sushi (scallop),

Sakae Candle,

Salmon Mayo Mentai Inari,

Aburi Salmon Teriyaki (or blowtorched salmon),

Unagi Shiitake Gunkan.

In clockwise order, starting from the top,
Unagi Cracker Mentai,
Hotate Sushi (scallop),
Sakae Candle,
Salmon Mayo Mentai Inari,
Aburi Salmon Teriyaki (or blowtorched salmon),
Unagi Shiitake Gunkan.
In clockwise order, starting from the top,
Unagi Cracker Mentai,
Hotate Sushi (scallop),
Sakae Candle,

In clockwise order, starting from the top, Unagi Cracker Mentai, Hotate Sushi (scallop), Sakae Candle, Salmon Mayo Mentai Inari, Aburi Salmon Teriyaki (or blowtorched salmon), Unagi Shiitake Gunkan.

(break)

Based on the presentation alone, it was evident that lots of heartfelt effort was put into this dish. Such a pity that I was a little too stuffed from the other dishes. The Aburi Salmon Teriyaki had a slightly grilled taste to it, which was definitely different (but still extremely pleasant) from my usual preference for raw Salmon.

Definitely a dish to be shared between two or more dining companions, for it would be such a pity to see such pretty food left untouched.

Salmon Delights

2010-11-03T08:08:00.002Z

Salmon
Originally uploaded by green_bookworm

I've always loved Norwegian Salmon, perhaps because that is where our most affordable supply of Salmon comes from. Versatile and tasty, I cannot remember ever having eaten less than delicious salmon.

This month's Sakae Signature series focuses on Salmon. With 6 different varieties of Salmon dishes to choose from, ranging from cold soba to toban yaki (where food is cooked on a ceramic plate), Salmon lovers are spoilt for choice!

Pictured above are what yours truly tried out, comprising Salmon Ikura Don and Salmon Mango Lobster Maki.

The Salmon Ikura Don tasted fantastic, especially when coupled with soba sauce. Generous salmon chunks, fresh salmon sashimi slices and ikura that burst in the mouth tasted a little bit like Salmon Heaven.

The Salmon Mango Lobster Maki looked like a piece of artwork by itself. The maki comprised thinly sliced mango, salmon sashimi slices, lobster chinmi and cucumber bits. Despite tasting slightly sourish, the mango slices managed to even out the occasional richness of lobster chinmi - and made the after meal feeling comfortable.

So, that was two of the Salmon dishes that I ordered and I'm definitely looking forward to more. A quick poll among friends and family members (strictly convenient sampling) indicated that Salmon is in fact, one of Singaporean's favourite fish.

Guess everyone appreciates that fact that the fish is rich in Omega-3 - a key nutrient in reducing inflammation in our bodies, among the many other health benefits that it provides.

Side note: Yours truly is a Sakae e-journalist, but this meal was paid for in full by yours truly.

When I grow up, I want to speak better...

2010-11-02T01:59:00.000Z

I've always known that a good presentation is one where the speaker draws on the energy of the crowd, makes adequate eye contact and exudes extreme amounts of charisma. Even though the speaker might not actually have been looking at anyone directly in the eye, most, if not all the individuals leave the venue feeling as though the presentation had been specially crafted for them.

That, is the power of mass customization (in verbal context). In consumption situations, companies come up with a product range, allow for customization of the seemingly nitty gritty (eg. colour, memory) while actually leave the consumer feeling as though they have managed to purchase a computer model that actually works best for them. I suppose that there exists a little similarity between the above-mentioned and mass-customized presentations, where the speaker makes his/her point (often in general), pauses and then attempts to elaborate in one or two statements. Within that minute space of time, I suppose that members of the audience would have tried to piece together his/her argument, without the speaker actually having to say anything.

Such is the need for closure in the minds of humans, according to Gestalt. Humans tend to feel uncomfortable when provided with incomplete information, and often attempt to utilize all that they have, try to piece them together and derive logic out of it. Impressive and awe-inspiring, I am just left gawping like a kid thinking 'if only I could do that'.

Time for me to grow up, stop acting and looking like a kid, and perhaps, I might be able to do that someday.

453.66 metres

2010-10-26T19:13:00.005Z

Deadlines looming, I find my heartbeat rpm increase. I stare at the screen, attempt to string thoughts together but find myself losing focus once in a while. This is more or less about strategizing and maximizing the utilization of existing (but limited) cognitive resources.

I find myself best able to think as I see ovals. Fueled on caffeine, glucose and stress - probably not a very good combination. Time to refocus on 453.66 metres.

Darn it. Life's not longer fun now that I've found the answer. L = 2S + 2pi(R + (n-1)w) makes it seem a lot cooler.

Side note: Pardon my tendency to veer towards the seemingly ambiguous. I'm not trying to be vague, I've just been unable to think straight and write in laymen terms recently.

Referenced from: http://www.livestrong.com/article/168904-what-is-the-distance-around-a-running-track-for-each-lane/

Random love

2010-10-20T15:50:00.004Z

I love:

The bright lights

Sitting cross-legged and looking unglamourous in shorts

Clenching and unclenching my fists

Witnessing the action

All while looking confused at the technicalities.

My dad has been my all too familiar companion to almost every event. I am thankful for his never-ending support for almost everything else that I love. It is during days like these where I go all soppy and excessively soft inside.

Guess it's back to the P.B. soon. And the old man's company is sorely missed. I wish him well, and hopefully I'll see him again.

On auto-pilot

2010-10-11T15:15:00.003Z

Guess its time to attempt to keep those wrinkles at bay, even while I'm trying to stay awake throughout the night to finish multiple assignments. Inspiration, fleeting, and I cannot seem to be able to remember them afterwards.

These days, my days are filled with a renewed dedication to an old love. It is pretty amazing to see how someone as fickle as me can like a subject matter for so long, but I shan't dedicate unnecessary cognitive resources to think about that for now.

Life appears on auto-pilot as I gulp coffee in the mornings to stay awake, sip coffee at night to try to sleep. Multiple commitments and activities on hand this week, and I was initially tempted to skip off to a reclusive spot next week - but that thought shall be filed away in my mental cabinet for now.

In the meantime, I just need to keep my giggles and random babbling in check. Dissolving into giggling fits hardly suits my apparently cool and aloof image, according to sources closest to me. Contrary to what most believe, I am hardly aloof, or distant - I attribute my behaviour to my introverted self. There is nothing I love more than to receive hugs, even in occasions where my rib cage and shoulders are almost crushed in the process.

Of education

2010-09-29T11:25:00.004Z

REO Speedwagon playing on loop, and it reminds me of those English classes where the teacher made us learn about sentence structure through the lyrics. I have always loved the lyrics to 'Keep on Loving You' since then, and those guitar riffs are certainly memorable. I would like to believe that I liked the teacher a lot, and appreciated her ability to make learning the language appear easy.

During yesterday's casual chat with a few friends, I think that we agreed that instructors and teachers in general should only teach professionally if they are truly passionate about the job. There is nothing more disastrous than ruining the (future) lives of the innocent, and if you are merely looking for some form of employment - perhaps there are better things to do with your time.

I've always been regretting about never having properly picked up Mother Tongue, all because of teachers who believed that embarrassing under-performing students in front of their peers might motivate them to study harder. If only they had spent a little more time learning about psychological theories and self-fulfilling prophecies, fewer minds (and lives) would have been ruined.

Of Brains (and Pretty Much Nonsensical Stuff)

2010-09-26T14:51:00.004Z

Being the perpetual attention-seeker that I am, I suppose that I cannot stand being ignored. I'm trying to be less fidgety, more focused and intelligent - but brains aren't something that can be bought off the shelves at the local supermarket. Stringing random words together to form a seemingly coherent sentence is proving to be difficult, especially with the lack of focus.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I failed miserably during an exercise that involved breathing and keeping focused. The more I tried to remain focused, the more my mind seemed to wander. Such is another illustration of the rebellious nature of my inner self.

If reverse psychology could work, I am thinking that I should try to include more external distractions in order to achieve a state of internal focus. (Perhaps someone should try this, and let me know if it works.)

I am sure that we all have days when we feel that our brains have gone on an extended vacation, but it sure it starting to feel as though mine have decided to go on a backpacking trip around the world and lost their return ticket.

On a (slightly) more comforting note, it does feel that love is back. Perhaps this is why I've been feeling dumb (or maybe just less smart) these days. Time to reconfigure my systems, and pray that things remain this way.

Restart

2010-09-16T13:54:00.003Z

The harder one tries, the more resistance one will creates for oneself. Perhaps its just easier to go with the flow, but yours truly has always been a stickler for control. I seem to be losing control, where each go is always slower than the last. Passers-by can probably tell that I'm frustrated, judging from the constant furrowing of my brows.

I think that there are a few who know of (and probably sympathize with) my current situation. It appears as though I'm constantly caught in a rut, moving nowhere even though I'm trying very hard. It is a terrible feeling when the love of your life is slipping further and further away.

Its time to re-configurate, re-sync my system and start from scratch. All I can do is pray for a decent beginning. No more excuses, starting from next week. I'll even endure the burning (which is of course, easier for me to say it now...but eventually give up). I think that with a lot of determination, weird stares, some focus and a little encouragement, I might be able to pull it off.

Premonition

2010-09-12T07:35:00.005Z

Premonition - a forewarning; foreboding.

I've always been pessimistic, but somehow I've been pretty accurate when it comes to premonitions involving death of friends, family members, and even individuals whom I've never thought were close to me. I would like to think that they were probably much closer to me than I would have thought.

It must have been awfully weird and frustrating when my mum was trying to cook dinner while all I was doing was standing beside her and blabbering on and on about impending deaths of people.

I think the exchange went something like this:

Mum: Can you please pass me the bowl?

Me: Do you happen to know anyone old and might be dying?

Mum: I said, please pass me the bowl. I need it now.

Me: I think someone will die soon.

Mum: I need the bowl NOW. Do you want me to die of anger?!?

Only earlier, I got wind of news that my grandma's neighbour passed away yesterday evening. Which, based on my often unreliable estimation, was around the time when I was blabbering.

I've never thought that I was close to her. I used to wave to her whenever I visited my grandma, asked about her occasionally...but perhaps, she was someone more important to me than I would have liked to think. After all, she was one of those people who saw me grow up.

On a less depressing note, at least my mum's not angry with me.

Still, I'm feeling tightness in my chest where I might shed a tear or two because my heart feels as though it has been wrung.

Side note: To the old lady, may you rest in peace. I am sad about not having anyone to wave to each time I walk by, but am well aware of the fact that all some of her family members care about is the inheritance.

Power Play

2010-09-07T02:04:00.002Z

Power - a possession of control, authority or influence over others (one of the few definitions from Mirriam-Webster).

I suppose that the exertion of control or the ability to exercise (perceived) authority can feel like a wondrous thing. It probably is a marvel when utilized by the right individual in appropriate amounts within a suitable context, but less so when utilized when not all three conditions are fulfilled.

Pardon me for being superficial, but the exertion of control, authority or influence over others exercised by a stuttering, less attractive individual just wouldn't cut it.

Lovely meal to start off a new (school) year

2010-09-01T00:05:00.001Z

August has come and gone, a little too fast. Today marks the first day of school, for me at least. It is time to start on a clean slate, relax a little before life starts picking up pace. Lovely lunch at Sakae Frontier, where there are different set meals available for lunch. Spoilt for choice, yours truly opted for the spicy Teriyaki Beef and soft-shell crab.

Depicted above is the soft-shell crab, which was served piping hot and suitably crispy. Dipped in spicy mayonnaise, one tastes the sweetness of meat with the occasional hint of spiciness. Then of course, there is the spicy Teriyaki Beef (pictured below), served on a hot-pot tureen.

Watching the steam gradually rise as the flame continues to burn is an experience in itself - an occasional luxury when one has slightly more time to spare during lunch. A chili lover, I was delighted to see chopped chili padi being used generously as garnishing, but indivduals less accustomed to spicy food could always ask for a little less chili.

All these, together with chawanmushi, miso soup and a side portion of fruits, I left feeling extremely full and oddly optimistic (for I've always assumed a positive correlation between my level of satiation and general level of happiness).

Disclaimer(s): These above were paid in full by yours truly, even though I'm a Sakae e-journalist and am given $x worth of credits per month. And I think that these sets are only available at Wisma and The Frontier during weekdays, 1130 to 1500 hours.

Back to where I came from

2010-08-31T14:20:00.000Z

After some deliberation, I have decided to head back to where I came from even though I know that the decision will leave some less than a little pleased for a while. Stubborn as a mule, I've always chose to go against the instructions of others. In order to increase the probability of having yours truly do something in your favour, you might want to consider warning me against the very act in the first place (and who knows, I might just go against your 'wishes' and comply with your actual intended wishes).

And a little part of why I've decided to go back is the very fact that I feel that someone is able to stare right through my skull. Creepy, but at least it will keep me on my toes for a little while. I think that I need to practice the steely stare, for it might do wonders for me in the future.

I need to stop stereotyping, especially when I hate being stereotyped. But somehow, someone just happens to remind me too much of A. The way the last vowel is never articulated that clearly, seemingly aggressive aura and slightly slanted tilt of mouth.

Of Impulsive Excesses

2010-08-28T12:30:00.003Z

Nearly burnt half a thousand dollars within a few hours, buying objects deemed necessary for my survival (I do have to admit that the definition of 'necessary' appears a little far-fetched). However, I still think that they have been wise purchases and I'm pleased with my ability to remain rational and calm despite the multiple assaults by marketeers to make me give in to my impulses.

Just when I was just about to toss a few more hundred dollars in hope of acquiring a handbag (the horror), thank goodness a disabled old man selling tissues for a dollar hobbled towards me and I would like to think that the dollar saved me from spending a few hundred. Perhaps that was the wisest (and socially accepted) purchase of the day.

I just realised that a handbag is merely an accessory, one that allows me to dangle on my overly tanned arms in an attempt to make me look a little less tanned. Sometimes, it might be put to good use when holding other worldly possessions - but this is something that all the dozens of other bags that are sitting in my cupboard can also do.

Morale of the story: save others in an attempt to save yourself (from the dangers associated with materialism). Definitely not something an aspiring marketeer should say, so perhaps, it is time to re-consider my educational options (yet again).

Random

2010-08-27T08:51:00.003Z

Admiration - an object of wonder and esteem; a marvel (American Heritage Directory of the English Language).

I suppose that admiration can be extended to various forms of subjects, be they living or otherwise.

I think that the people whom I admire (for now) are:

(1a) seemingly knowledgeable about topics which I am interested in

(1b) and can make me pay attention to

(2) sufficiently articulate

(3) adequately confident (but are actually shy)

(4) usually intensely disliked by most, but also intensively favoured by a select few

(5) clean-cut, but with an occasional touch of rebelliousness

(6) very uncomfortable in social contexts

Sounds odd. It is amazing the the people who fit the above criteria aren't diagnosed with a personality disorder by now.

Touch

2010-08-23T01:37:00.002Z

We cannot do without touch, be it physical and/or emotional ones - for humans are social beings with the need to feel. Sometimes, all one needs is a hug to make a horrible day feel much better; a few kind words when one is losing the motivation to strive on; and a wave when one is very much out of breath and knees are threatening to give way.

How some strangers bother to try to hug me is amazing, and I'm impressed by their courage for wanting to touch a stinking mess. And to the others who try to wave from across the street even though I cannot recognize faces (at all), I thank you for making my week.

And of course, all my Mother needs is to give me a call to achieve all the comforting effects as mentioned above (or so this Guardian article says: http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/may/12/mother-phone-call-study-us-oxytocin).

At least, this means that all the ten-cents expenditure I incurred during secondary school were worth it. Pay-phones, how they are soon becoming a thing of the past (but played an extremely significant part in helping me maintain emotional stability).

Is He/She or Isn't He/She?

2010-08-21T19:45:00.004Z

I have come to believe that if there ever exists a measure of attractiveness, an individual would probably max the scale when he/she is doing what he/she is best at. Be it performing, singing, cleaning the streets or raving on endlessly about formulas - the act in itself should make people in the crowd gasp in awe and wonder if only, they could do the same.

Perhaps it is the passion, dedication in trying to polish one's skills in the selected craft; or perhaps, it is that innate ability to pull off a charming appearance effortlessly. It doesn't matter if the 'innate ability' in question appears to be a front, because, the element of mystery and leaving others wondering 'was he/she merely faking it?' just ups the appeal factor.

Why else would I then find people attractive in either scenario(s):

(i) sweaty faced, sporting smelly socks

(ii) aggressive looking, complete with the stony stare

(iii) aloof, with bottom lip stuck out

Perhaps, only when they are engaged in the act of carrying out the activity which they excel in. Try to put them in another place, doing another activity and they might not appear as attractive anymore.

Not making much sense, seeing as this was posted at insane hours. Or perhaps, I just do not possess the language skills required to structure simple sentences (and was merely trying to make it appear as though I was able to).

Slip of tongue

2010-08-19T07:51:00.003Z

With a slip of tongue, I've managed to cross (and probably hurt the feelings of) a friend. I probably deserve a kick in the rear for my lack of tact, but somehow, it got me thinking about jobs in general.

When an aspiring individual sets out to look for a job, and submit his/her application form, does he/she:

1) understand the true nature of the tasks, duties and responsibilities

2) know if the benefits and remuneration are as attractive as they were set out to be

3) realize that sometimes, a department comprises of the lone individual and a 'manager' essentially manages him/herself

Pardon my ignorance, it might not apply to said organization, but I have come across many of such instances. Way too many, in fact.

Of worries and impending doom

2010-08-17T13:36:00.004Z

Striving (with much difficulty) to attain an internal sense of calm, but all I feel is dread, something akin to impending calamity. Peace before the storm, which hardly feels like peace at all - for I am a natural worrier.

Nights spent tossing and turning in bed, messing up the sheets. All I can manage are a few hours' worth of shut-eye before my heartbeat rate increases and my fatigued eyes are wide open. I see lines, diagrams, charts and a comprehensive range of alternatives before me. I have never been good at scenario planning that involves optimistic, neutral and pessimistic forecasts. I am adept at making pessimistic, very pessimistic and extremely pessimistic forecasts.

Will I be able to survive the next year, and stomach all that is about to come? Or will I have to pull up my socks, grit my teeth and brace myself for an extremely tough ride? Que sera sera - whatever will be, will be - is what my parents say. I am also a fervent believer in fate, but the truth is, I have only believed in unfortunate fate.

This is coming from an individual who has intellectual quotient of less than 70, and emotional quotient that is well on the lower percentile of the distribution curve.

Random

2010-08-15T08:35:00.008Z

I have always been addicted to caffeine (a psychoactive stimulant), even though all they do is put me to sleep. Unlike most normal people who drink coffee and/or tea to keep awake, I drink a cup of coffee before I head to bed most nights. My recent resolution to steer away from caffeine for a while has left me sleeping at my usual timing most nights, and waking up at ridiculous hours. It seems that I miss the familiar aroma of Arabica beans, but I am not giving in - not so soon at least.

On another random note, it does appear that the neighbourhood is populated with more attractive people. How I have never noticed them, I have no idea. Perhaps I have been blind, or perhaps, its just the streetlights getting dimmer.

Waiting

2010-08-09T09:53:00.003Z

As I sit by the window,

Clutching my favourite pillow,

With the phone in my hand, willing;

For it to ring.

Update: Finally back home safe and sound. Turns out that the worry-wart worried for nothing, except for a couple of jams. Bed beckons.

Some Days

2010-08-04T12:12:00.003Z

There are some good days in a year, where you just feel all special and loved. Today was probably one of those days, walking around and feeling very well-fed. Delicately crafted edible pieces, they probably required much effort to make...and wolfed down by some within seconds.

One feels pleasure, amidst the merry-making. Then, satiation point hits and one cannot help but feel guilty. Guilty, at being unable to consume all the food and having to trouble another to help pour away the remains. I would feel extremely terrible if I were the one having to witness that much wasted food each day.

Sometimes, life gets too hectic and one slowly begins to lose focus. All the dream-chasing, just to get ahead of others (but very often, ourselves), often occur at the expense of precious time spent around the people and things that matter most. Just that this realization often occurs on hindsight, filled with numerous if-onlys.

Memories, captured in a picture or two. They look similar, except for the addition of a few wrinkles, crow's feet and added paunch. The smiles seem to be genuine and perhaps, those are the only things that remain pretty much unchanged over the years.

But being the spoilsport and pessimistic fool that I am, I cannot help but obsess with the fact that my Dad is no longer sporting the 24 inch waist. Perhaps, I am just being extremely foolish, but a part of me seems to think that time will stop so long as my Dad is sporting a 24 inch waist.

I've just realized that I've always been worried about aging, but perhaps, it has always been about having the people whom I love most aging...and the thought of losing them some day.

All these are made worse but the witnessing of how some other things have changed. I have never been religious, but a walk past places of worship seemed to drive home a more obvious point about change. Even some religious places do not seem as conservative as before, after witnessing some tourists pose casually in front of religious relics. Somehow, the relics now seem to be a part of some fashion statement.

Lunch in a Picture

2010-08-02T10:26:00.003Z

Lunch in a picture
Originally uploaded by green_bookworm

A novice attempt at capturing what fills the stomach, in a little collage. In clockwise direction, a little salad, some more greens, salmon and tiger prawn, rice, miso soup and Daifuku to end off the meal.

That was the Seafood Lunch Set from Sakae Sushi, extremely value-for-money and scrumptious. I'm not sure if the Daifukumochi was part of the set, but it certainly added a very nice touch. After all, no one ever turns down a little more good luck!

I have not been to the outlet located in the North for a few years now, and a trip back certainly did not disappoint. Good food, personable service staff, and lovely ambience, one certainly hopes for more meals like this.

Side note: This was subsidized on Sakae credits.

The Silent Exchange

2010-08-01T16:00:00.002Z

All it takes are rainy days to do me in. From a supposedly confident, fierce-looking and domineering tyrant of a woman, I am reduced to a blubbering, sentimental and awfully vulnerable girl. One who speaks and reveals too much of the inner workings of my mind (and heart, sometimes).

I can be spotted at one of my favourite haunts (with eye drops and tissues due to the stubborn cold), consuming one title after another. It has been a while since I've set my eyes on one of those comedic chick/dick lit titles, and they remind me of the much lighter side of life. Perfect stress-relievers, even though I'm not supposed to be in any state of distress given my current lack of obligations.

It feels good to be able to relax and chuckle in a public place after so long. Sometimes, one needs to read non-serious stuffs to let go. Regardless of language, genre, gender, age or culture, strangers seem to connect over books.

Odd, but all it takes are a few seconds of eye contact and knowing smiles - and the person sitting next to you on the same couch seems to know what this means. Perhaps, this is the non-verbal conversation between book lovers.

Of rides (or perhaps more)

2010-07-31T13:36:00.003Z

General feelings at the end of a journey - relieved, sentimental, a little reluctant that it has ended. I feel like a child who has just rode on the merry-go-round, one who had felt dizzy and longed for the ride to end sooner, only to realize that it might have been pretty enjoyable after all.

It takes time to bring the guards of others down, it takes effort to stimulate a smile. I've come to realize that some might be rather cute with the dimpled grin, just that he keeps a stern look most of the time. This is where the cheesiest and (probably) sincerest of grins emerge, right when one least expects it.

For others, I've come to accept that that is the way they are. Just like how they have come to gradually accept me for my countless shortcomings. I'm awfully annoying, demanding, mean-looking and impatient... but perhaps, underneath all that is just a pretty insecure and anally retentive fool.

And somehow, the mouth has spouted terms that are difficult to comprehend and put me across as a stuck up, pretentious snob.

But perhaps, if I were given another ticket to go on the same ride once more, I might enjoy it even more.

Getting Away from the Crowd

2010-07-10T03:10:00.002Z

10/07/2010
Originally uploaded by green_bookworm

Shopping in town can be extremely enjoyable, especially when you've got your eyes set on items that you want to buy. There are probably a few things that can make females' hearts flutter, eyes glitter - and one of them probably includes shopping.

But somehow, one is bound to get tired after all the trotting around in heels (for the height-deprived) and holding of multiple shopping bags (if you do not have a male companion to help share your load). The best way to recharge is to head for a decent meal, away from the crowds and then you're all set to go back to jostle with the crowd once more.

Yours truly managed to venture onto the sixth floor of Orchard Central last weekend where Sakae Sushi is located, and discovered how nice it truly was. The food that you get was pretty much like what you would get at other outlets (which is where consistency is important and well-appreciated by those who find unpredictability extremely troubling), and what truly set it apart from other outlets was its ambience.

I wasn't seated near the windows, and the view from the windows would have been even better. The oriental setting provides a calming effect to soothe those ragged nerves that might frayed from mingling with the crowds.

Mealtimes

2010-07-09T14:47:00.004Z

Dining should be a relaxing affair, a time to let one's guard down and enjoy a break from all the "fire-fighting". Feels wonderful to have lunch with a few folks, even though I often end up talking too much (but hopefully no one finds me too noisy).

It makes me truly happy to have an enjoyable meal, while engaged in comfortable conversation for I am unable to make small banter. I am more than perfectly able to chat with old men along the corridor, at eating houses or even around the neighbourhood - because they just seem a lot wiser and friendlier.

Perhaps I should forget about asking others* for lunch, and see if I can strike up conversations with random strangers. This is getting a little tough, and who knows, I might be deemed too noisy and childish for all I know. Trying hard not to read too much into the meaning behind those puns, but it is difficult to resist. But whether those puns are amusing, witty or just downright crass, only time will tell.

*Disclaimer: Old friends not included.

I am

2010-07-02T13:21:00.003Z

1) socially inept

2) slightly aloof

3) often contradictory

4) pretty random

5) too quick to communicate via electronic mail

Just realized that yours truly is perfectly capable of sending out a dozen electronic mails, but is unable to utter a completely comprehensible sentence at times. I can be articulate, when there is no need to be.

Sometimes I wonder, if I should just quit trying to talk and continue with the pretense of being aloof. Who knows, perhaps then people might consider me cool. Broodiness is highly attractive, isn't it? But perhaps, not for members of the fairer gender.

Dining alone is usually a comfortable affair, except for the past few days. It feels strange that those sappy old songs must be making me extremely vulnerable. Somehow, I just needed another beside me, some who didn't talk too much. I cannot stand crowds, but instead, embrace solitude - but still, why I decided to ask someone I didn't know (at all) for lunch is beyond me.